I'm sure everyone here has experienced the bundle of emotions that come with a Big Fat Negative. New Years marked the day of one year of nothing but these Negative pregnancy tests for me. Test after-test after-test. It is never ending, and with this comes the familiar emotions that I feel will neved end. Here are my list of the 5 most prominent emotions I feel when I see that negative.

1. HOPELESS

Will I ever have the overwhelming joy of seeing a second line on the pregnancy test? This is out of my control. There is literally NOTHING I can do about it! This hopelessness is one of the worst feelings. It is like I am in a never ending nightmare of negative pregnancy tests staring back at me. I just want it to end!

2. UNWORTHY

Did I do something wrong? Maybe God thinks I will be a bad mother? Maybe I will be a bad mom and God knows it! This Negative is a reflection of failing all ready in my eyes. I don't feel worthy to have a child.

3. ALONE

Yes, there is my husband sitting right next to me comforting me. Telling me "there is always next month." But I feel alone. He has no idea what this feels like. No idea at all. He will never feel the personal rejection of a negative looking back at him. I feel like a broken record and I feel like eventually he will tire of me talking about how I am feeling when I see that Big Fat Negative.

4. TIRED

I just want to go to sleep and dream of something other than babies. I want to fall asleep at night with ease, and I don't want to hold the sweet smelling baby that haunts my dreams. I don't want to dream of being pregnant, just to wake up to an empty womb. I just want to sleep because I am TIRED of it all.

5. LIKE GIVING UP

Perhaps I should just give up on this dream. Perhaps I am not ment to be a mom.

But then I hear a voice it says "my steadfast love endures forever; I am with you, and I know the plans I have for you." Says God. Then I feel a feeling that trumps all the other feelings: HOPE. I feel a hope that this next month will be the month I get to see those glorious two lines. I feel a hope that I will be a mother, and I AM worthy to have a child, and I am not alone. So I toss that Big Fat Negative in the trash, and I look forward to the day that I get that bold and beautiful Big Fat Positive!