4 years ago was one of the happiest days of my life, I found out I was going to be a mommy. I took my prenatals and attended all of my doctor appointments. I did everything an expecting mother should do. I couldn't wait to be a mommy. February of 2011 I went in for an examination the doctor told me everything was perfect and left the room for me to get dressed. When I got up and wiped I noticed the gel was a little bit of a brownish color. My stomach instantly dropped and I screamed for the nurse. She rushed in and I explained to her what happened, she assured me that the color was normal esp with just having a PAP so I got dressed and went home. I wasn't feeling so well and I was pretty sure I made myself sick from stressing about the doctor apportionment so I decided to take a nap. I think I slept for a couple hours and when I woke up I knew something was wrong. I went to the bathroom where I discovered where that little bit of blood I seen had now turned into a lot of blood. I sat there for a moment just praying that this wasn't happening, just praying my baby was okay, that my chance of being a mommy wasn't going to be taken away from me. I called my sister and her and my mother took me to the hospital. The doctors came in and tried to make me feel better "This could be normal" "There is a good chance you aren't losing the baby" ETC. After hours of being in the hospital they told me I was okay to go home and told me I had a 25% chance that I wouldn't lose the baby. I went home in tears. I don't think I've ever cried as much in my whole life. The thought of losing my baby was horrifying but the doctors told me I had a chance and that's what I held on too. After a few hours of being at home I started having cramps, horrible horrible cramps. I went to the bathroom and felt something come out (the plug). I sat in the bathroom in silence. I knew in my heart what this ment but the doctors told me I had a chance so again I held on to that for a couple more moments until I had a cramp and when I looked down I seen that something had came out of me. I got off the toilet and sat on the floor. Just staring at the water. I knew I had just lost my baby. I seen my baby. I stared at my baby. I sat in the bathroom for hours just staring and staring and thinking to myself what did I do wrong. Was I working too much, did I not take enough prenatals, am I a horrible person, am I not ment to be a mommy, what did I do to deserve this. After hours of crying and wondering I said goodbye to my baby and flushed the toilet. Previously when I was at the hospital they told me that if I see the baby come out to take it back to the hospital and they could run tests and possibly tell me why I lost the baby. There was so much blood that I couldn't grab it. Despite seeing the baby in the toilet, we went back to the hospital the pain was so bad. I was cramping so bad and didn't know what to do. The doctor I seen previously was still on duty and he again told me I didn't lose the baby. He told me if I had there would be way more blood (which I wondered how much more blood could there possibly be. He told me my hormone level was fine and sent me home with strick orders to come back in 2 days. He said if my hormone level went up then everything is fine but if they dropped then that would mean I did indeed lose the baby. 2 days later we went back to the hospital and the nurse in duty took me into a private room and told me my levels dropped. They dropped more than double which ment my baby was gone. It's been almost 5 years and I have still yet to get pregnant again. My current boyfriend and I have been trying for a year but we didn't not try for the year prior so almost 2 years of trying and no baby. I feel like there is something wrong with me now, I am terrified I will never get another chance to be a mommy. I am hopeful that 2016 will be our year.