I still have feelings for a guy I was friends with in high school and I'm not sure why.

My wife and I have now been together for a decade. We met and started dating when I was 15 my freshmen year. Well some time during my junior year (my wife had changed schools by then) we were fighting a lot. Teen angst? Lack of seeing each other? Idk, but every conversation for a long time was painful and neither of us wanted it to be.

Enter my friend "J". He was this bisexual Spanish guy at my school and somehow reminded me of my wife in a weird way, although it was probably just the shared coloration, they had nothing particularly in common. He had many flings with girls and guys and was our troops "little manwhore" -a name he shined to. He was such a sweet guy and always made me laugh. I guess that might have been his most appealing feature, I laughed constantly with him. No one else could make me do that, especially on such days between the fighting in my relationship and awful home life. We had a couple friendly intimate moments, but nothing inappropriate.

I think the problem is when we stopped talking abruptly after a accidental kissing. No, you read that right. See, we were a group of friends who were touchy within reason. Girls would often grab each others boobs and ass and we'd all hug and lug on each other all the time. Nothing sexual about it. We even carried each other thu the school. Anyway, kissing (quick pecks, nothing more on either lips or cheeks) wasn't unheard of for non dating friends. It wasn't weird, and he did it often with the girls. The girls often did it to each other. All as a form of hello or goodbye. All was well, all were comfortable, then one day we were all talking in the hallway and had to leave for class and he accidentally kissed me goodbye out of habit. I was shocked. No one had ever screwed up before and I didn't really know what to do, but I couldn't help this immediate anger I felt. I slapped him and stormed off to class. The worst part? I could tell after doing it he was immediately sorry, he knew he had made a mistake. But alas, I was a 16 year old pettiness bitch. He called me after school as he often did and apologized profusely. "It was a accident" "I'm retarded, I fucked up"... the last thing he said was that he didn't blame me if I never talked to him again. I said something like "I don't think I can". In reference to my cooling irritation and the fact that I had just minutes before told my wife, who did *not* react well but I couldn't keep it from her. He told me ok, and that he understands and hung up. I could hear the hurt in is voice and I knew I had just ended our friendship. I couldn't contain my tears after hearing that. I thought I just lost the two people I loved most.

My wife forgave me but blamed him (so she said) and my relationship with J never rekindled during school. After a few weeks I saw that he had butchered his long hair and was seemed angry at the world. His mother abused him, as did mine. We had talked about that sometimes. Another friend told me he wasn't himself anymore. He looked me in the eyes once that I remember in the hall, he glared almost unintentionally and continued in the other direction. I was so concerned about him, but did I say anything? No. Because I was a coward. Life went on.

A few years ago I saw him as a recommended friend on fb. It took me years to gather the intention to push that button. I melted felt awful every time I saw his picture and I was sure he either wouldn't remember me or would hate me. I finally sent him a message. One of those "You may not remember me, but.." affairs. I recapped what happened in case he didn't remember and apologized profusely for being such a enormous dickmuch. He remembered me, and he accepted my apologies. It had been years of regret and I cried like a spoiled child for who knows how long after that. I knew I still felt bad but I had no idea it still hurt me so much. We talked on fb a little and even talked about meeting up again some day, he lived in some town I'd never heard of by then. We never did meet up, but I'm ok with that. Our conversations were awkward and uncomfortable for me, which hurt me more. Eventually being the shut-ins we are we stopped talking, and I closed my fb because of them emailing me that I needed an ID to continue my use. Facebook doesn't need my ID obviously so I let the account go.

On occasion he slips into my memory and I still remember how much fun I had in his company, how happy he made me. He just made me forget the world in the height of my depression. He was my best friend even if he didn't know it nor did I at the time. I loved him. I hurt him and hurt myself for years. All this because I didn't know what to do and was no judge of the long term. It still hurts, but I'm grateful he accepted my apology. So that's it, I am still mildly (platonically) in love with a probably married man, and my wife has no idea.

Feels nice to write it out.