So one night the people's house I was staying at had some family over. Well that guy that had messed around with me before had left with a buddy who has access to pills, etc. and this guy has a past as well. And short while after he comes back is when everything starts to blur and cuts off for me.. I had a few drinks but no where near enough for me to blackout. All I remember is barely being able to see someone on top of me and I couldn't move.. I tried to talk but the words wouldn't come out.. It was like a horrible nightmare. But I woke up realizing it was real.. 

 I tried not to let it get to me considering we'd dome something once before but I get flashbacks, bad anxiety, and I've been drinking more, and smoking to try to calm myself. And it's so upsetting and embarrassing to have to tell my boyfriend what happened. And certain remarks I hear people say about "rape" and Joke about it just makes me feel sick and shake and have flashbacks. I told myself this year it'd be a new year new me and I wouldn't think about what had happened anymore and not let it get to me. But I'm constantly thinking I need a psychiatrist.. Or rehab.