Lost for words

Back in September I found out I was pregnant. Within weeks of finding out I begin to have minor cramps. Asked around and people said it was normal ad long as i wasn't bleeding heavy. Shortly after I begin spotting here and there. Once again I was told it was normal and not to worry. Then one night I noticed the pain get a little more intense and the flow pick up. Fearing hospital I struggled with going but went for the life of the baby. After being there for hours I was told everything looked normal and to relax. The next day i was using the bathroom and notice two small colts but no pain. I was nervous about this happening but remained calm because it wasn't any changes the doctor to me to look for. Within two hours later driving down the street I noticed I felt bloated so I unfasten in my pants. The next feeling will forever change my life. I felt a big rush of blood go up to my bad and the pain was none like I ever felt before. The ride to the hospital was torture not only to me but my boyfriend. I had an urge to push but I refused the whole time in the waiting area. As I laid on the hospital bed I couldn't stop the pain in the urge i had to want to sit in the toilet and push. So I did as my body wanted and pushed. The sound wasn't nice and my boyfriend will forever be scared because up under the hospital grown was a bed of blood and the baby. I never seen a man cry the way he did. It didn't get better after because they sent me home and gave me a pill to help pass the rest. Instead of passing the rest I spent the next four days in total pain and constantly in the bathroom trying to find relief. Ended back in the hospital because I needed relief and to find out I had to have a d&c plus 3 blood transfusion. I didn't know what to do but my boyfriend wasn't taking things so good so I set aside my feelings and dealing to be his shoulder. Now I'm here two and a half months later finding myself crying every time I see a baby. I've been emotional lately and empty. I went through all that pain to end up with no baby no joy. The sight of blood makes me relive that event over and over again. Idk whats going on with me.