Some days I feel like surely I haven't got it. That I am just somehow not experiencing anything. Because I have a good day. 

But then I go to make love with my partner of 3+ years and find myself pushing him off. I can't bare it this time. It hurts too much. Feeling guilty. Feeling frustrated. Feeling alone. 

I recover. I have a good day. I second guess my diagnoses again. "What if I'm just being dramatic. What if it's all just in my head."

But then I wake up the next morning after 10 hours sleep and feel lethargic with a thumping headache. I go to work with sharp pain in my abdomen and cramping. I'm walking around running errands and out of nowhere sharp pain shoots across my back and down my leg. For the rest of the day it is cramping. Just to remind me that it's still with me. I keep my game face on though. I was bought up in a tough family. No one goes to the doctors unless they're at deaths door. We maybe entitled to sick days but we don't take them because weakness is something we don't publicly show. 

Too soon I forget the pain all over again. How sever it is. I take advantage of my good days. Again thinking that I'll be fine. 

Then I miss my period for two months. Hope shines through. I go to the supermarket early in the morning and buy a couple of tests (because I can't dare to be seen by those who might know me. Word spreads quick in a small town.) I go home. Take the test. My heart breaks. My dreams shatter for another month. My disease shows its ugly face again. I can bare the pain. I can cope with tiredness. But this hurts the most. I'm not a materialistic woman. I just want a family. I feel envious, and sometimes anger towards other women I see who don't fully appreciate the beautiful family they have. This part of my disease is something that affects my partner. That isn't fair. He loves me unconditionally but I see the pain in his eyes when he sees me in pain and doesn't know what to do or say to make it all better. It tears him apart. 

I don't know why me. I am the only one out of the four siblings who wants children. Now it looks like I'm the only one out of the four who can't have children. 

Endometriosis had no known cause. There's no known cure. I have to come to accept my disease. But I WON'T let it infect my positive mindset. I appreciate the good days. I'm entitled to my bad days and have a cry, everyone needs a good sook now and then. It gets it out of my system to feel refreshed for whenever the good days come again. I live for the perfect little moments and strive to be my best in the worst.