I need to get this off my chest
Sorry if it seems long and rambly. When I was 10, my own father started to, you know, try to go after me. It all began innocently enough with "normal" father and daughter cuddling. From there it escalated gradually and when I was eleven or twelve he took my virginity. I was really scared afterwards bc even though he used protection I couldn't stop thinking of what if I was pregnant because I had also begun my cycle by this time too. He kept on doing it with me and I gave consent every time but it was only because I felt pressured into it since he's so much older and bigger than me. He would always approach me when he knew my stepmom was going to be out for a while and when she wasn't looking he would slap my butt sometimes and other stuff, touching my boobs and all that. This has never stopped and now I'm fifteen, going to be sixteen in a couple months. I feel so pressured and scared all the time, every time I tell him I want to stop or "take a break" for a few months he'll get upset and threaten to post about everything on Favebook or whatever because he knows I don't want to have the family torn apart by CPS coming and him getting arrested. It's gotten even worse ever since my stepmom died too. I'm always just so worried and scared and anxious, I never know what's going to happen. I feel like I can't back out now since its been five years but the longer it goes on the more serious he gets, recently like a couple months ago he even started talking about going to NJ and getting married when I was a legal adult. None of my friends know about it and for the past three years I've been depressed a lot, and very anxious whenever I'm not around anyone because he might try and do things if you know what I mean. I'm such a mess and I'm crying right now just typing this, I feel so dirty for ever letting him do this to me. I don't Know how to end it, I wish I could've been more assertive when I was younger or even now and I don't know how to get this to end, I'm so scared of what will happen if I try to end it, and my fear and disgust with this relationship has gone so far where I can't wait to go to college just to be away from him. I just feel so broken and I know I'm sex repulsed now but at the same time I don't think be able to refuse sex, even though I'm now ace and sex repulsed since this whole ordeal that won't stop anytime soon. Like you know how people cut themselves that's what sex is the equivalent of for me. I didn't ask for this by starting puberty, and my consent has never really been consent since it always felt forced, right? Not only am I scared for myself but I'm scared that when my little sister who is seven grows up, I'm scared for her too because what if he does this to her too even though I've made him promise to never do do. I just feel so broken, scared and alone. I wish I knew what I did to deserve this and I wish I could have just had a normal life as a child but I guess god if he exists just really hates me and now I hate me too.
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