My child has a clef lip and I didn't know he was going to have this at all. I went into labor for about 12 hours and then went to an emergency c section since the baby was in distress. Then automatically my brain just through a panic I started shaking on the operation table scared because what I thought I was going to be able to do myself or had wanted to I wasnt going to be able to go through it. So my boyfriend sits near me calms me down and could see how panicked I was. They then took out this baby from me and that was it. There was not magical and happy moment to see my child right after he was born. He was just brought into the world and I didn't bring him into the world in my mind. I had to be tied down and didn't see his face for what felt like forever. So when I finally get to look at my sons face I freaked out because I didn't expect this. I was still in the shock of the anxiety and trying to calm my self down and I look at him and I didn't feel anything I looked at him and felt like what just happened? This is my baby? I questioned everything. I thought something was wrong with him. I was in a totally and complete shock my head just didn't and couldn't accept the fact that this was actually happening to me. I asked the doctor if he was okay so many questions before I was taken to the recovery room that I already felt like a bad mother for wanting to know what was wrong with my son. After I get to the recovery room I couldn't sleep I blamed myself it kept replaying in my head that I felt I had already failed as s a mother. Those two hours of recovering were a nightmare. Days after that I couldn't sleep and just felt very depressed but at the same time I felt I had to hide it and pretend to be a happy mother which I wasn't. So when I was asked if I needed to talk to someone or thought I had ppd I denied it and I regret that so much I should have never acted the opposite because now I have no one to talk to and I feel like it would have just been so much more easier. My son is three months now and will have his surgery next week. I've grown a way stronger bond than I had at the beginning and couldn't picture him without his imperfect perfection. I just needed to let this out somewhere because I had been holding it in for so long I felt I was going to burst.