anyway, this new guy had started at work around Christmas time and we started texting, work related. He's out on the road & I'm in the office and that's how we communicate a lot with field staff.  I'd ask him something or give him a msg on one of his patients & then he'd ask how my day was. Ie. It was nice to have someone to chat with during the day. It helped make the day go by. Well as one might imagine, we moved from work to things a little more personal, as things usually go when you're getting to know someone.  I mentioned some health issues I was having. We're in the health field and he's an RN so he had a lot of valid advice and questions. We talked about our spouses openly. He has a 6 month old son, married 7 years; I had a destination wedding and his sister and uncle had them as well so we talked about that.  He understood my anxieties more than my husband did, having experienced it himself (my husband, after dealing with my increased anxiety for the past 4 months was at wits end) It honestly was a friend thing at first and it was so nice to have someone to talk to. I really looked forward to our mostly silly convos. Anyway. One day he came in the office. We were talking to our supervisor & there was something palpable between us. It was weird to me because I wasn't, and am still not attracted physically to him. We never talked about leaving our spouses or having some big secret affair, in fact they were still in most of our conversations, however out texting became more & more constant and started to cross lines after that point. Ie he would text me at 7am "good morning" and I'd say, what do you wake up and text me first thing? (Yes) And how he thought I was so attractive. & then once, he texted me saying on his drive to his first patient he was thinking about what it would be like to kiss me. I said something like, I was flabbergasted, and he apologized. I remember thinking it had gone too far at that point, but stupidly I let it go on. I can't lie, I liked the attention. And I never thought anything besides flirty texting would happen. The night my husband was out until 2am, was the only time I had ever spoke badly about my him because I was hurt he had taken off and was out late again. Toward the end of our conversation, we talked about kissing styles. Not kissing each other, but I think that was implied. Then we apologized and noted it wasn't really a convo we should be having. We never, ever discussed sex, with each other or our spouses. 

The next day was my husbands nieces bday party. Work friend was texting of course, he was working and telling me how the first patient he saw, the husband was a veteran and he loved his vets. The next woman was sweet but had no family and he felt bad for her. Etc etc. this is how most of our convos went. Silly, trivial stuff really. My husband was sitting with me at one point and work friend's name popped up on my phone. He made a comment about it, but that was all. 

He asked me yesterday (that Monday) if I wanted to get a drink after work. I lied to my husband and went. We had talked about getting together to talk since you could only go through so much via text or phone when he'd call the office. Just to get a drink as friends and talk face to face. I told him, maybe if we talked face to face we would get over whatever this "thing" was. Maybe we would have nothing to talk about and find we didn't really like each other. But obviously my husband wouldn't be ok with that so I lied. I don't know why, I knew what could happen but for some reason I just had to know. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I wanted to be with my husband, or maybe I wanted to know if I didn't. Maybe I wanted to prove that I was still wanted by other people? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever really know what made me decide to do this. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

We talked about our families, spouses, life in general. We showed each other wedding pictures and talked about siblings. The whole thing felt wrong though. I was uneasy the whole time. Probably because I lied to be there. But we talked for maybe an hour & a half. It was snowing when we left. He asked if I wanted to get a coffee. I said no but I'd go for the drive with him. Why? Why why why. I wish to God so badly that I hadn't. That I had listened to my gut for once in my life.  We were in the car talking, waiting for it to warm up and he reached over and kissed me. I froze. I didn't push him away but I didn't reciprocate. I literally felt frozen. It was very awkward and immediately I wanted out. I said I had to go, said some thing stupid I'm sure and got in my car. I called my husband immediately once in the car and told him I was on my way home. I felt so relieved to talk to him. Soooo relieved. He was still there. Everything would be alright. 

On the slow snowy ride home I tried to pretend that what had happened just hadn't happened. That I could will it away. That I could take it to my grave and never tell anyone and it would eat me alive but that's what I would have to live with. That it was a lot of bad decisions but it wasn't the worst thing in the world and that everything would be ok. I tried to act like nothing happened once I got home. I parked, and felt EXTREMELY anxious. But I went in & acted like things were fine. I had a bowl of cereal, talked to my husband, made a lunch for the next day at work, etc. But as time went on I started to feel like I was going to throw up. I told him I was going to go read but of course I couldn't. Work friend had texted me and asked if I had made it home safe. I told him yes and asked if he was "over me" now and he said no. I knew I just had to end this all. It was absolutely, totally 100% out of control. It didn't take me very long to decide to get up and tell my husband what had happened. I laid in bed alone I realized I couldn't not tell him. I was going to be sick. I just knew I had to face the music and fess up. I got up and went to the couch where my husband was and started to freak out. I told my him what had happened. It took awhile to get the particulars out but I did since I was hysterical and dry heaving.  He basically had to drag it out of me but he guessed what had happened pretty quickly. I didn't lie further and answered everything he asked. He told me he wasn't going to divorce me and that he wanted to go for a drive. I asked him if he would hug me and he said no. 

He left and I immediately texted the guy from work and said we couldn't  talk anymore unless it's work related. I told him that I had told my husband what had happened. He said he was sorry and ok. I called him, I was hysterical and I wanted to talk to someone, but of course the coward didn't pick up. I then called my mom. It kills me knowing that my parents are probably disgusted with me but I had to talk to someone. I called my husband and he said he was ok but he didn't want to talk to me. He said we could talk tomorrow (now today) 

I fell asleep after taking Ativan. Trust me I wanted to take the whole bottle and know I deserve to. When I got up this morning he was asleep in our spare room. I went in and laid with him but he said nothing and didn't move. His wedding band was on the kitchen table. He never takes it off. I figured that was his way of telling me it was over. I went to work and texted him, telling him I would stay at my parents tonight and indefinitely until we decided what to do. He replied saying, "can't I be angry and upset? Can't I be? Without you saying you want to give up? Just one time in our relationship". I said I didn't want to give up but I thought it would be easier for him if I left, to which he replied easier? Then he said, "I don't want to talk to you right now. I love you, I don't want to talk, I gotta fucking work". I didn't reply. I have not heard from the other guy at all today, nor have I contacted him. Nor do I care to. My only concern is for my husband. I know he is hurting. To be the cause of that hurt is too much to bear, it really is. I have thought about hurting myself many times since this has happened. If we don't recover from this there's not point for me being alive anyway. I don't  know what I expect by posting this. Tell me I don't deserve him, I know I don't. Tell me I should do him a favor and let him go while he still has time to find someone who will treat him better. Tell me to take the bottle of Ativan, to drive into a tree, that I'm a slut, a whore, a terrible person and a terrible excuse for a wife, I know all this. I just hope, some way in hell, that he can forgive me.