Thoughts

It may not be every hour or every day but inside I am broken. It is a constant struggle to stay even. It feels like there is something inside of me that is constantly fighting to be set free. I have no clue what it is or how I’m supposed to deal with it because every once in a while, it hits, and I feel like I’ve lost all purpose. It feels like my mind hates me and my body reacts to it. There’s a pain inside. Sometimes it’s in my chest but it’s mostly just in my gut. There’s always a constant pain that I’ve learned how to deal with but sometimes, especially lately, it hurts worse than usual. It seems like my body is acting me and blowing caution to every will I have to live. It feels like I cannot do anything right. No one really likes me personally. I’m a handy person to have around. I take care of things and get things done. That’s about all that I am. My husband, I am convenient for. I’m loyal. I get things done and I love him unconditionally. I’m not sure that he knows what I mean to him. I am never a priority. I am just someone who was there to pick up the pieces. I’m happy with him and who he is. I love him. But I don’t think he loves me. I think I fit into his life. I’m a companion that he can count on. Maybe that is something that counts more than just love. There is my child. I go above and beyond. She is so caring about everyone else’s feelings except for mine. Maybe this is just how children are…. Ungrateful. It just hurts that everyone’s opinion counts more than just mine. I can turn my world inside out to bend over and please her but it never seems like it’s enough. If she only knew how much she breaks my heart. If she had somewhere safe to go, I’m not sure how much I’d be here. I just so hard to take an interest in others, to lend a helping hand. It seems that not many are interested in my days and my accomplishments. No matter what I do, I can never gain the unconditional love of anyone. It took a lot of time, effort, and money to finally get a degree to prove to everyone, including myself that I was worth more and that I could do well for myself.  It wasn’t worth anything to anyone. There was no one there to be proud of me. They were there out of obligation just like everything else. The ones who bothered to show anyways. I can express to my husband all day long the things that are important to me but when it comes down to it, I’m just not that important. He hates his job but that doesn’t mean he feels any obligation to me. I can live with this, I really can. He won’t make it here for the birth of this baby. It’s just not going to happen. I’m sitting here wondering why I ever thought this pregnancy was a good idea. I already have one child that seems to resent me so much. Why am I putting another child through the same thing? I will still be a single mother struggling with my mental health raising a child who’s father’s priorities are elsewhere. I have no family support. I feel as if I am 15 and pregnant and a disappointment all over again. I am wondering if I should just ignore the fact that I’m pregnant. What I really want to do is just disappear off the face of the planet. I don’t want to die….. I am just losing my reason. In a world where you are just coasting by and can’t do anything right, where do you find your place? What good am I to anyone much less a baby? Some days I feel like I can barely function. Other days I just feel so numb I can get hit by a bus and it wouldn’t phase me. Life is about connections and people. I don’t have either. I have people who put up with me because I am resourceful and helpful. I have people who have committed to me because something better has yet to come along. I cannot wrap my head around my reason for living. I just hurt…..everywhere…. physically and mentally….and I don’t mean much to anyone. If something happened to me, the only one it would effect would be my daughter and that’s just because she would be forced to be around her abuser. She would probably be convinced that I was the bad guy. I’m pregnant, alone, and lost. I can’t seek help because mental health does not truly exist. I’ve tried to talk to multiple doctors including my OBGYN and all I’m made to do is feel more crazy. I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll be numb again. I’ll push through for another few months before it becomes unbearable again. It’s a cycle that never ends. I feel like I’m falling all the time just waiting to feel the pain come through.