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A couple things....I understand it's your family and you don't want to just cut ties with them, you guys are adults, it sounds like you don't see them enough for them to be rude and mean to you as you say they were when you were growing up. If you can move past it to see them a few times a year, then your husband can too. I would understand if you saw them weekly but you don't, he can suck it up a few times a year and just turn the other cheek to their behavior. Kind of part of dealing with shitty inlaws, my mother in law is broke all the time and makes my husband and I feel bad about it, and askes for money, as well as makes negative comments about everything and anything she can think of about us. We just tell her no about the money and ignore her comments. We see them every couple of months so I suck it up and deal with them. As far as your future children go, tell your family if they want to see the kid, they can come to you, and lay out clear expectations for their behavior and things they say around or too your child. Let them know that if they break the rules, they will not see the kids. That's what I've told my mother in law, I don't care if it's rude or mean, they need to know what's expected and what the consequences will be for not following your rules. Good luck! I'd tell your husband to suck it up and deal.
Need advice...sorry it is a long post 😕
So this is going to be long but if you have the time to read it and give me some advice, I would very much appreciate it. My husband and I have been married for about four and a half years... Been together for 10 and we have an almost perfect relationship. We are best friends and love and support each other so much but we have one big issue that we always fight about...My family.
To make a long story short, he has a big issue with my parents because they have never been the greatest to me emotionally. They are very materialistic and shallow and have never noticed when they hurt my feelings. I used to tell them when I was a kid but now I'm just used to it and I don't say anything because I don't want the conflict and because I know nothing will change. Obviously I feel tied to them because they are my parents but he feels like he should not ever even have to see them. We talked about this a lot before we got married because he took forever to propose because of them. I keep reminding him that he's not only married me but also my family. I do not even see them that often and when I do all they talk about is all the things that they are going to buy and dig themselves into more debt. So I can't even say anything nice to him to defend them!
Lately he has been saying that he's been thinking about what is going to happen with our kids because we are trying to conceive ... And he is convinced that my parents are going to hurt their feelings all the time or just be a big disappointment to them. I keep trying to tell him that they will not see our kids very often so it won't be a big deal. By the way my parents live about an hour away from us so we both keep saying if they want to see our kids they are going to have to come to us.
When I go and see them which is probably about once every couple of months, I usually pick a day when my husband is working 24 hours so that he will not be able to come and I will not have to make up an excuse but if he is not working then I just make an excuse but he does come with me two or three times a year.
So my point is, he is starting to be really bothered about this and won't tell me what he wants me to do...I would like to just distance myself from them but don't want to hurt their feelings so I end up lying and making excuses not to do things with them when they ask. My husband hates that I lie to them because he was taught NEVER to lie about anything to anyone but I feel it is okay to spare their feelings and avoid conflict...
I don't know how to fix this issue because I obviously can't cut ties with my family but I am tired of them asking where my husband is when I see them...He wants me just to tell them that he doesn't want to see them and they can call him but that would hurt their feelings and I do not want to go there.
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Boundaries. you need to create them with ur parents. tell them the truth ur not coming to visit often due to the rude remarks. keep ur commentd to urself. my dad got outta line once makn my husband feel like shit about a home we were goin to purchase. my husband said he will never come back over to see them. i told my parents he saud this and why and that my dad owed him an apology. to my surprise, he called my SO and apologize. you are not a child anymore stand up to ur parents. felt good as hell when i did. now we all get along n any comments are excluded fr dad
Mo
Yes! She needs to ask her parents to apologize! And they need to respect her husband and her moving forward.
rw
time to put ur big girl panties on
He did not marry your family. He married you. Your allegiance is to your husband first now. They have become extended family. I believe that when somebody hurts your feelings, you should talk to them about it and not rug sweep it otherwise it will happen constantly. Family or not. Toxic people do not get it free pass just because they are family. If you think that it wont happened to your children, you are wrong. They will treat your children exactly as they've treated you. You need to set boundaries with them about anything that hurts you or your husband.
I've gone through something similar and I made up lie after lie of why my husband wasn't around. I eventually got to the point that I made my husband call and tell them why he wasn't around to keep me out of their fighting as much as possible. It was weird for a while but when anyone would talk about the other I would remind everyone that they were all my family and if asked to choose they would not like the answer. Eventually it all calmed down and everyone kept their opinions away from me. Good luck I hope it works out for yall.
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