I'm utterly and completely obsessed.

I'm obsessive over taking every test, ovulation or pregnancy. The internal conversation is always the same: "how many lines today? Only one you know that... but what if it's the two line day? No it's not just stop it." The constant fighting is stressful.

I'm obsessed with pregnancy blogs, and baby blogs, and anything that just might give me the hope that after a year we finally have conceived. "Oh look 6 early signs of pregnancy.....nope. nope. Nope. Nope. Yeah sort of.... aaaand nope." It's never ending and it's depressing.

I'm obsessed with wanting to talk to others about it. Share my concerns and my struggles. But they give me the same advice every time. "It's in God's hands." "It'll come soon enough" "are you propping your hips up? Or this position? Or standing on your head?" "Once you stop 'trying' so hard it will happen." All these things just hurt. Have I been that horrible of a person in my past that I can't conceive a child with my husband? Am I that bad a person or in that bad of a place that I can't create a life?

So now I have to bottle it all up. The obsessiveness. And it stresses me out more and that might be hindering me also. I am depressed. I cry myself to sleep. I sleep for over 12 hours a day. I sob over others sharing the joy of their pregnancies and have to usher away the "why can't that be me" feelings. My sex drive has completely diminished and it's hard to make myself want to do it, to be excited and seem "into it." Because I can't let anyone know or I'm being "dramatic."

This is hard. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.

Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get this off my chest.