Falling for your best friend... Please, no judgement.

Well, I don't really want judgement so I'm going to post anonymously.

I've always been the girl that's a pretty good friend. I can laugh with you. I can help you through all your issues, and I can give you advice on a lot of things. But when it comes to love, and having relationships, I've always been terrible.

I think I'm Bi. Don't think it matters, but not many people really know that. So it's kind of nice to put it out there. I've been with another female a few times. Not really sexually, though like most females, I've experimented. And I feel like I want to experiment more. See if there's anything really to it.

I am Married.. But I feel like my marriage has run it's course. My husband rarely wants anything to do with me, and we almost never have sex. I don't think he's attracted to me anymore because how much weight I've put on since getting together (70lbs in 4.5 years.). I've talked to him about how I feel a million times, he always chalks it up to "it's all in my head." He says he loves me. I don't feel it. I feel used and unwanted. I don't know what else to do.

Then there's my best friend. I've known him for 9 years. We've always been there for one another. We live on opposite sides of the US. I'm on the West side, He's on the East. He was there for me when no one else was. When my ex raped me and left me. When I was blamed for him raping me by his mother. He never let me down. He told me several years back that he loves me and has since we met in 2006. At that time I had feelings for him too. Then we both went on to have other relationships, but we always stayed in touch. Over the years, feelings got stronger and stronger. I fell in love with him and realized it before I realized my now husband and I were expecting our daughter.

I chose my husband because I wanted to work things out. I wanted to make what we had better. So we tried. I found out I was pregnant, and 6 days before our daughter was born, we got married. Everything was better for a second. Then they started to fall apart more. His health declined more than it already had. My health was okay, but was getting worse, and the worse he got the less he seemed interested. I confront him (according to him every 3-4 months) about my insecurities. Always the same reply. But, he never changes. Everything is more important than I am.

Well, I've been talking to my best friend and while we are in love, (yes I realize this can be considered cheating, NO I'm NOT proud of it.) we are too far apart. I want to be with him. He wants to be with me, but neither of us have made any move to be together. I am so lost. I want to give up. I want to hide away forever. I feel like I'm never going to be happy. I just need something to give. I'm losing my mind and my sanity.

Sorry for the long post. Rant Over. Thanks for reading.