Do you understand

Question

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse by my own parent. I have since met my husband married and had a son. I cut off ties with my dad cuz he was denying it but then I thought maybe if I kept communication he would admit and apologize for things. Anyways it hasn't worked and not only that he's been telling people that I talk to him cuz I feel guilty cuz I lied that is so absurd and a real stab I feel so hurt and I don't know why I still love the man that tortured me my whole life???😢😢😢😢 do you understand why someone would love the person that hurt them or is it just me? I'm starting to think I'm the crazy one. Especially cuz people say that I must be lying if I love him. This I'd driving me crazy I know what I know and then again all these doubts 😢🔫

Answer

The Child Sexual Abuse Accommodation Syndrome was developed by Roland Summit, M.D. It is a simple and logical model which can be used to help in understanding and accepting the ways in which many children react to sexual abuse. The syndrome classifies the most typical reactions of child sexual abuse victims, dividing them into five categories.
1. Secrecy-Abused children tend to keep the abuse a secret. They do so for a variety of reasons. They may be afraid of the abuser who may have threatened the child or someone whom the child loves. Physically abused children may be afraid of being beaten again. The abuser may have promised safety to the child or child's loved ones if the child keeps quiet. Neglected or emotionally abused children long for their parents' approval and affection - they may keep silent for fear of losing the parents' love.
2. Helplessness-Children are inherently helpless and subordinate. They are small, dependent, and emotionally immature. For all of these reasons, they cannot escape from a dangerous situation. Children who try to protect themselves are usually overridden by more powerful adults. When their attempts to protect themselves fail, these children come to believe that they are helpless. Eventually they stop trying to protect themselves overtly. Instead they may withdraw, go physically limp or dissociate.*
3. Entrapment and accommodation-Children who keep their abuse a secret and continue to feel helpless inevitably feel trapped. However, they learn to accept the situation and survive. The helpless child faced with continuing victimisation must learn to somehow achieve a sense of power and control. The child may eventually come to blame him or herself, believing s/he has provoked the abuse. Physically abused children may refer to their bad behaviours as reasons why their parents must punish them. Emotionally abused or neglected children may imagine unacceptable traits in themselves. Physically, sexually and emotionally abused children

Answer

What you know. What you experienced is the truth. I understand still feeling love for someone who tortured you. It's similar to domestic violence. Many women stay because of the loving side of that person. I'm sorry for what happened. It's OK to care about his well-being but don't let it endanger your child. And don't let him in your life. He will NEVER admit what he did. He's causing you distress which means you need to push yourself even further back from the situation. 😘😘😘

Answer

My brothers molested me while growing up, I still talk and see them on holidays and I can honestly say I forgive them, I don't treat them differently. I used to feel like I was mentally fucked up for not hating them, but I just don't see the point. It's not like my family even said or stopped it. I had to defend myself, I'm grown and am starting my own family now, so I can let it go. I just don't see them all the time and the eldest one I stay away from.

Pretty sure he's been fucking my little brothers wife but I can't say anything.

Answer

He needs to admit it to himself before he will admit it to u. There are statute of limitations that he has to worry about being charged & even if it's been too long admitting it means he's a pedophile, a sex offender, & he wouldn't want your mom to know, their friends & family. But maybe if it makes you feel better & stops anybody from doubting you get yourself a lie detector test that way you can prove your not spreading false info

Answer

I get where you're coming from. I was abused by my older brother and older sister. But I still fight so hard to try and mend our relationship. My brother is hard to forgive because he sexually abused me and he continues to make jokes about sensitive topics for me like rape, suicide, etc. And my sister physically abused me and she loses her temper easy. She even threatened to hit her husband recently and PTSD kicked in. I almost called the cops.

Answer

It's similar to Stockholm syndrome where people fall in love with their captors. He's your dad and I think everyone will always love their parents no matter how badly they treated them. But you are better off without him in your life especially if he is going to spread rumours and open old wounds for you.

Answer

The bond between a parent and child is very strong and hard to break.  I used to work with young people who had survived horrific abuse and ended up in government guardianship - the vast majority loved their parents (who were their abusers) and would go back if given the opportunity.  It doesn't make the abuse less real or horrible or make you crazy.

Answer

Loving your parent is a natural thing. You aren't crazy because you still love him. It's ok to love someone, but not be able to be around them or even like them.

Answer

It isn't entirely uncommon. My mother's father abused her. She still loved and trusted him enough (because obviously he had totally changed and conveniently did so when her oldest daughter was the perfect age) to let him spend time alone with us when we were younger.

People do tend to balk at the idea that a person can love their abuser. But it certainly happens.

Answer

I come from a physically abusive home(from my brother, parents never did anything) and I still love my family. It's hard sometimes because I feel like you do, that I shouldn't love them for everything I've been through. And sometimes I feel like I would be better off if I cut ties from everyone but they are my family and I know I would miss them once they are gone. I'm just trying to be a good daughter but I won't ever be able to have a normal relationship with them. Oh well. My husband is my best friend and only person I need. He comes from a sexually/physically abusive home as well. Idk this is a hard situation but I wish you the best dear 💕

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