Am I a mom?

My husband and I lost our baby yesterday at 36 weeks. 

I don't know why. I want to believe I'm going to wake up and this was a nightmare. We've wanted a child for so long and to get this close is cruel. I know God always has a plan or a purpose but I don't see it right now. 

Sweet baby Noah was born around 11 pm. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. 

When I held him I felt calm, love, and sadness. I'm sure I'll go through a roller coaster over the next while, but I'm grateful that I didn't feel despair when I held him.  The Lord must've known what he was doing because his shoulders got stuck for a long time and he wouldn't have survived the delivery. It took two doctors and 3 nurses over 20 minutes to free him. As my husband said: "I'd rather face an IUD than that" (we're both former military). 

I just don't feel like a mom. I miss his weight on my chest. I want to hold him and put up with the late nights and crying. But he's not here. I fell like a mother.