You are not alone; you are not a bad parent; it doesn't mean you don't love your baby or won't love your baby. I was once in my gender disappointed stage when I found out that I was having a girl and not another boy I so wanted. Nothing said I didn't want my baby. I love her more than anything and never ever not wanted her. The ones that say "be greatful or feel blessed you can carry a baby cause others cant" like it's your fault they can't or that you don't feel blessed. They are the ones i dont listen to because they have never felt like we did. It is a true feeling that will come and go, hit harder than it does others BUT IT WILL PASS! it is nothing to feel shamed over. It is a hard thing to confront and admit. You are strong and brave for even talking about it! Don't hide it; it doesn't make it better!!

Understanding and overcoming my gender disappointment

I’ve struggled with this blog. But after reading several posts in my BabyCenter Community from others who were feeling the same and beating themselves up emotionally (as I had been doing), I felt compelled to share my story. And if this resonates with even one person than it is worth it: I had gender disappointment.

I am someone who wanted, more than anything, to be a mother. I struggled, I cried, I lost. I was crushed month after month when those pregnancy tests revealed only one line when all I wanted was to see double and then one day everything changed. I finally did see those two lines that had been eluding me for so long. It was my dream come true. So how could I have ended up feeling this way?

Of course I love my baby unconditionally and I’m grateful to be pregnant. And I truly did not prefer one gender to the other, just a healthy baby. Yet this still happened.Why and how?  Why would I ever feel this way and how could I work through this?

This is called gender disappointment, it’s not called "gender-I-don’t-love-or-want-my-baby or gender-I’m-a-bad-person-and-will-be-a-bad-parent". It is common, perfectly normal and there is nothing wrong with anyone who experiences this.

I can say this in hindsight but I wasn’t always this accepting. I didn’t actually want one gender over the other, but it didn’t manifest that way.

Looking back, I think what happened is that I inadvertently convinced myself we were having a girl. I bought into old wives tales, analyzed my symptoms, pinpointed our time of conception down to the hour and then plugged all that information into the Internet (the nemesis of pregnant woman) and everything was coming up pink.

So I assumed, which turned into believing and soon I was talking to her, I was naming her, I was envisioning her in my arms. It was a girl and I knew it.

And then my doctor called after some tests to tell me that our baby was healthy (prayers answered) and a boy. I was floored, though not unhappy. But what exactly was it? As confusion turned to tears I couldn’t make sense of my feelings or why they even existed, but I knew I didn’t like myself at that moment. I felt as low as a person could feel.

I gave it time to sink in but it didn’t get better, in fact it got worse because I began to beat myself up over my feelings. Between the strange sense of disappointment and growing guilt I didn’t know what to do.

I called a friend who told me many things, most importantly that my feelings were normal. She introduced me to the term “gender disappointment” and learning that other women had experienced this, so much so that it had an actualname, was eye-opening. I went back online and read the stories of others and was floored again -this time in a different way. I wasn’t alone.

I didn’t feel better immediately, it took weeks to work through my feelings. But one day I stopped dwelling, and heard myself telling a friend how excited I was to be the mother of a little boy. And I meant it, wholeheartedly.

I knew I had found my absolute peace when I thought about what it would be like if things suddenly went the other way… what if my doctor called tomorrow and said there had been a mistake and it was a girl. There is no doubt that I would have gender disappointment all over again, because I am thrilled we are having a boy and now I can’t imagine it any other way.

For those of us who experienced gender disappointment or for those of you who can’t believe a mother would feel this way, my response is the same. We can’t judge another’s feelings and we are all entitled to each and every one of them. This doesn’t mean that we don’t want or love our babies, it doesn’t mean we won’t be good moms and it certainly doesn’t mean we are bad people.

It just means our minds were pointed in one direction and we needed time to change course