Ruined relationship with best friend
Long story short, i went through child loss after ttc for a few years, its all ive ever wanted. Some people dream of a big house or an amazing career and i dream of my future children, its literally everything to me. My best friend gave birth about 3 weeks ago. I was supposed to be at the birth 6months pregnant knowing i had all that to come very soon, holding her little girl knowing mine would be in my arms before i knew it! It was supposed to be an incredible joyful experience to share with my best friend of 12 years. But things didnt go to plan. Losing my baby has been the most challenging time of all my trauma, i have survived molestation and been beaten and emotionally abused all my life, that to me speaks volumes. My friend wasnt emotionally there for me, she continued on as normal with little to no acknowledgement of my daily painful suffering and needed me there for her baby daddy situation and the mess she caused with her family from getting preg to her cousin. I was there and gave advice, i was that involved me and the baby daddy had a few words and she was living with me & my fiancé, with her son and her huge bump with constant complaints about her pregnancy and how she wanted to see blood and be normal again. She has told me outright, when she lost her first pregnancy it didnt bother her UNTIL she got ill from an infection, only then did her ordeal affect her and she is confused by how much it bothers me and how much i grieve. I have nobody to talk to really, so i would have had random outbursts like "imagine my babys little spirit/soul went into my next child and she lived on", "Lily would be 'this age' now" and she replies back with a picture overload of her newborn baby girl "i just dont know how he(baby daddy) doesnt want to know this little girl". She can say that and talk and im always there to help regardless of what im going through, but the picture overload when id just talked about my dead baby????
I just cant speak to her. She doesn't acknowledge the suffering ive endured with this loss, she doesnt speak of it with me and when i actually need to talk about her or bring her up, the topic is changed completely THEN she sends me pictures of her baby and constantly changes her whats app profile photo to all new pictures of her & its ONLY when we conversate. I just cant deal with it, i understand she is excited and wants to show off her gorgeous baby girl cos i would too obviously!! but to that extent, with me, knowing where im at emotionally is very inconsiderate and insensitive. She knows too well i cant even look at a baby. We went into a shop to look at prams and i fought tears like a trooper and ended up breaking down. She knows too well and still shoves it down my throat. I dont expect people to live to suit me or tip toe, i want to see a picture of her daughter now and then, but seriously, i find this a bit cruel. So i havent spoke to her really, nor do i want to with how her behaviour towards my situation makes me feel. Like its invalid, like it shouldnt matter and im silly for grieving. Grief is a measurement of love and i will never stop loving my angel. Am i wrong for feeling this way? Am i being selfish? Am i being unreasonable? I just feel i always bend over backwards for this girl, and when i need her she couldnt give a monkeys. I just miss her and our memories and wish things were different. A listening ear and a little bit of compassion doesnt hurt to be fair 😞
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