SO Lied about sex history??

Question

So, this may be long but please bear with me. I moved in with my fiancé a few months ago (January) and of course unpacked most of my things then, everything but a big box of books that I never got around to taking out and organizing on our bookshelf.

Well about two weeks ago I finally got to it while he was at work. As I was doing so there was a teeny tiny notebook with a black cat on it. No bigger than maybe a paper napkin. I had no clue what it was so I  opened it. Directly to the middle where it was dated about a week after he and his ex had broken up.

It talked about how he'd had sex with this girl Mikayla a "few times" and I was shocked, I flipped back a few pages to make sure I wasn't crazy imagining what I was reading and it was another entry talking about how he had grinded with this girl with "the biggest ass" and he almost took her home.

Now, I'm no fool, I'd always known he has had sex in the past, we're adults, that's healthy. The problem lies in that when we had been "seeing" each other before dating and ultimately getting serious he had always told me he had sex with two people, the girl he lost his virginity to at 14, and his exgf who he dated for three years before me (we started dating three months later)

I take that lie very seriously, I've always been cautious about protection and STD's, getting checked and always speaking with partners about their status, I've never had an STD before thankfully. And on top of that he lied about this girl Mikayla even existing when we spoke about who he'd been with after he and his ex broke up.

So I texted him, asking how many people he'd had sex with and called him out on the lie, I was livid. I had always adored that our relationship was built on such honesty, that I could trust him more than anyone. He replied denying anything until I told him I had found the journal.

Then he came clean, and cried and said he had tried convince himself when he slept with her that it was good, but that he wasn't over his ex and it had been a mistake, that he regretted it. And that when he started seeing me he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to judge him and change my mind about seeing him because Mikayla had been a random girl who after the sex he never spoke to again.

I chose to stay with him after because I know we can work through it, and we both went and got checked and had no STDs thankfully. I want to forgive, and most days I feel good, I'm not mad anymore, but some days my heart just aches, and for some reason I feel inadequate. Does anyone have any advice? I'm sure half of this is pregnancy hormones but I'd love any advice.

Answer

Personally it wouldn't worry me. Ive actually never talked to my husband about how many people we slept with before each other it wasn't important. Once we were with each other we were exclusive. Others think im crazy for not caring but what he did prior to our relationship doesn't concern me.

Answer

I agree he should have gotten rid of the book but I understand sometimes people forget things like that. I had a ton of stuff I made sure I threw out before moving in with my boyfriend just because I didn't want to cause any problems in case he found it lol but honestly when he asked how many people I've slept with .... I left one out. I have my reason and for me it's a really good one. He would have looked at me differently I know he would have. I was not in a good place and the person is someone who is just ... Not even important at all. Never was which is why he would look at me differently lol. I think you should be upset but don't be too hard on him you know ? He's with you now and that's all that matters ☺️

Answer

Im a big believer that what is in the past is in the past, my partner and i have talked a little bit about past experiences but never in detail of who, i am his now and his future and same goes for him with me. I dont care what hes done in the past as long as he is loyal to me and treats me right.

Answer

I knew from the beginning that my husband had one night stands with different girls before we met and he never said that. When I found out I had std checked and I didn't left because I know he loved me BUT it was very difficult for me to trust him completely. I'm still jealous of every girl he meets but let's face it... Are we the good girls? I wasn't

Answer

This was all before you got together, I wouldn't be mad about him sleeping with other people, that isn't your business, I'd be mad about his lying about it. If you know you can trust him not to lie then you need to try to forgive and move past it.

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I would be a bit peeved at the fact that he felt he needed to lie, regardless of the subject at hand.. it would be more about that than the fact that he has slept with other people.. I mean I'm not that naive 😂

An ex BF of mine said he had slept with 2 other girls.. about a year into our relationship he said he had lied and I was his first.. I was just a bit upset thinking gee, what other silly (or not silly?) things could he possibly be lying about.. 😛

Answer

I don't think I'd be mad..my boyfriend and I have never discussed how many people we have slept with and we never will. We are together and we both want our family now and forever. As long as he doesn't sleep with anyone else while we are together I don't care who he slept with before, I didn't even know him then. We both have been tested for STD's and we both are clean. I know I have slept with more people than him and if he ever asks I'll tell him the truth but it's just not important to us what happened before we met. I can understand you being mad though just try not to be too harsh on the guy...he's with you now, he did confess instead of saying the book was made up or something  stupid. Best of luck to you guys I hope you have a long happy relationship!!

Answer

I met my husband in late high school and became very good friends with him in college. As friends, we both watched each other date other people very seriously, then date around. When we finally ended up seeing each other, I felt weird knowing most of his sexual history already because we had talked about it as friends. It made me feel inadequate some times because I knew he has been with more people than I had. I also felt kind of weird knowing who he had been with and always wondered if there were more I didn't know about. I decided it was really only my business to know if it was someone I may personally know or ever run into. Otherwise, I realized knowing the details on one night stands (or close to) didn't make me any happier to know. 9 years later it doesn't bother me in the least. It took a bit, but I think you will be fine! It's a shame he lied, but it sound like he was ashamed of himself. I would forgive him and let yourself know you can trust him.

Answer

I had an ex whom I caught in 'little' lies that didn't necessarily bother me, so I stayed with him...eventually discovered bigger lies that were deal breakers (e.g. cheating, financial lies, etc). He was a smooth talker who would always make me feel better after talking it over, but in hindsight the 'little' lies were a reflection of his dishonest character. So, it's not his sexual history that concerns me, but his lying about it to begin with, lying again when you first confronted him, and then making excuses to try to minimize it that would bother me in terms of a future with him, based on my experience.

Answer

I kinda believe the past is the past and if he doesn't want to share everything about his sexual history he doesn't have to. I have no clue how many girls my husband has had sex with. It's none of my business. We were both checked for STDs and we are fine so that's what matters.