Opinions- too authoritarian?

Question

Today, I was with my son and I explained to him why he was not allowed to do something. To my surprise, my MIL scolds me as to why I offered him in explanation. She said children didn't need an explanation, just to know to obey you. She said once they no longer like your explanation, they don't obey you. I had never heard this before. Any opinions on it? She claimed it established authority over friendship.

Answer

If a child doesn't understand why they are disciplined, they are doomed to repeat the behavior. Do what you think is best for your child and tell your mother in law she had the chance to raise her children and let you have the chance with yours.

Answer

According to the parenting books (like Love and Logic), it really depends on what you said and how you said it.

Explanations are good but they need to be clear and concise.  So for example if your child hits another child all you need to say is, "We don't hit.  Hitting hurts," and then redirect or punish.  Kids are smart but they have short attention spans which is why explanations need to be short.

The explanation also needs to be firm.  A wish-washy explanation like "We shouldn't hit our friends, OK?" Allows the kid to respond with an answer to your "question".

Answer

Your job is not to be your baby's friend, you are their parent. If you child understands why you are disciplining them, it will both teach them the reasoning behind it (thus helping them to remember not to do it again) and, as a result, teach them to respect you, which is the basis for a great relationship. If they understand that you are only looking out for their best interest, they know you love them and will be more likely to obey in the future. Even if you simply want them to obey, "Because I said so" is much less informative and more likely to be disregarded in the future than, "Listen to adults (parents, teachers, police, etc.) because they are trying to help you and the people around you stay safe."

Answer

I sort of agree with your MIL in a way. I think its ok to explain to kids sometimes, but other times 'because i said so' should be enough, just so they know that they cant do something purely because you said they cant. And that shows you have authority. Just my take on it.

Answer

How else would they learn things like "don't touch the stove because it's hot" or "look both ways in the road so you see cars" or "don't hit your brother because it's not nice and hurts his feelings"??? You MUST teach children why things are right and wrong. Otherwise, all they learn is to follow what people say blindly.  I think a child should always question why and we should always offer a reason.

Answer

I hate the "because I said so" or "because I'm the parent" mentality. It doesn't teach the child anything. It makes more sense to explain why because I feel the child is more likely to understand why they shouldn't do something rather than just because they're the child and are being told "no."

Answer

If I had been explained as to why I was punished, I wouldn't have been in trouble so often.

I fully plan to explain things to my son so that he doesn't repeat the same mistakes and if he does I know that he disobeyed intentionally.

Opinions- too authoritarian?

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