I don't know what to do

Ok. So I am really confused on how I feel and what I am feeling about my ex boyfriend. I won't go too much into the relationship only because it's a lot. But basically within the relationship we were great, of course we had our bumps on the road but that healthy. We spend over 500 dollars to just go to a simple concert of my favorite artist even though we weren't sitting together he was happy that we were together. But in the summer we broke up for 2 months because he thought I was "caring too much for him" I was gone to Florida and he seemed like he didn't care while I was gone so I was just doing my own thing in Florida. When I came back from Florida I got everyone a gift and he didn't even say thank you out of common sense. But a week later we go to a bar and he was all up on me saying that he "loved me and wanted to be with me again and that he forgave me" when nothing happened. I just left the relation rekindle again. But this time of the relationship if was different it didn't feel the same. It felt like there was still damage because of the break up. So one day I slept over his house to be with his sister and he comes in the room to cuddle with me and then he leaves. He texts me saying "come here" and before hand let me just say I was a virgin still. I go and he is in his head tired saying to "come" and I said no because his sister and I were watching a movie and then he was like "please come help me sleep" and I thought he just meant cuddling so I go in the bed and from there we were cuddling and then one thing lead to another and we started to have sex. For my first time I didn't know what to expect. We kept on having sex for like the next week and then after a week we stop talking because he was acting weird. Then after another week I find out he had a girlfriend. And I felt so disgusted with myself because I didn't know and I lost my virginity to someone I love and they betrayed me. I felt like I got used for sex. And mind you I had a pregnancy scare with him and once I got my period I told him and I found out about the girl by his sister. So he was with his girlfriend for about 5 months and all within they are together I am still in love with him but I stop speaking with him. And he is a family friend so I always see him and I just see how much I love him every time I see him. I recently got sexually abused by a close friend of mine and the first person I thought of was my ex boyfriend and I called him and he couldn't do anything by cry and be in shock and just wanted to beat up the kid. He drives with me home and I give him a hug and say I apperciate it and he said that "why you why would someone date to do that to you." And in the instant I couldn't help myself and say how much I am in love with him and he just hugged me and said to go upstairs to shower and go to bed. After that we haven't spoken and I always see him. One day we were at a family gathering and he brought his ex girlfriend knowing I am there and it hurts for me to see her and he brings her and I left the house instantly for a drive and maybe to "cause harm" but I couldn't I left the house and went to my high school with a friend while I was crying because I am still in love with this kid. And now we don't speak at all we don't text NOTHING. I fee uncomfortable when I am with him I have the impulse to leave and when people say his name I just get angry. My cousin always tries to push me to get back with him but I just get angry because I love him but there was too much damage for us to get back together. And my cousin said that she pushed him when all he said that "she is being a bitch and doesn't even say hi to me" but why am I the only one that should be saying hi to him. And I am about it to be with it but I don't know how he is about him. Because I will always ride out of this guy no matter what but I just don't know!!! 😩😩😩