To those who shame women who've had an abortion
To those who call it murder, who call it selfish, who think we should own up to our actions, who think of it as a get out of free jail card. And to those who've had an abortion and are going through the whirlwind of emotions and meltdowns they think they'll never move on from.
I'm sharing my story half hoping it will help those who think we're heartless to put themselves into another person's shoes and half hoping it will be almost therapeutic to put this into words.
I got pregnant my sophomore year of college. I was taking birth control pills and somehow something went amiss, what I later learned to be unnervingly common in my family. I was dating a boy, but we'd only been together for a few months when I found out.
When that second line came up I was terrified but a small part of me was also immediately in love. As if something clicked in my brain and all I could think about was the fact that I was responsible for a potential little person. Mostly though, I was terrified. I was terrified to tell this boy, I was terrified to tell my parents who saw me as their Ivy League dream child, and I was scared because ever since becoming sexually active I figured if anything were to go wrong I would be able to simply and unemotionally get an abortion, yet suddenly that was not such a simple and unemotional option.
I talked to the boy about it a lot, who surprisingly was willing to back me up no matter what decision, and we decided that we would keep the baby and "make it work". We had half thought out plans as to how that would happen.
When I told my mom the first thing she did was call an abortion clinic, no questions asked. However, at this point I'd done copious amounts of research on the procedure and decided it was too gruesome and I didn't have the heart to do it. To those who say that women who get an abortion don't know what really happens, trust me, we know every detail. I read every prochoice and pro life website available.
I cried on the phone to my mom about it, said I wasn't sure I wanted an abortion, which prompted her to fly up to me in order to make sure I went through with it and to also be there for me when it happened.
We fought a lot in the days leading up to it, she said and did things I thought I would never forgive her for, she made me question her parenting to no end, and in her head she felt she was doing the right thing for me. She'd had an abortion at 16 after all and it was no big deal.
After many arguments and meltdowns and wishing I could run away from the entire life I had set out for me, I finally caved so to speak. Finishing my education loomed in front of me, money loomed in front of me, having to leave the raising of my baby up to babysitters while I tried to make a better life loomed in front of me, and being tied to this boy I hardly knew if I loved loomed in front of me. I can attest first hand to the emotional scars that are left from being tied to a father who was not a good one and I wouldn't forgive myself if I chose a poor father figure to tie my child to forever. I also knew if I would never be able to continue the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption. Not after the emotional bonds had already been formed so early and not to mention my family being adamant they wouldn't allow that. I also know the negatives of the foster system, of the whole left in the hearts of adopted children, and how it isn't always the happy ending many assume.
When I showed up to the abortion clinic there was a pro life protestor outside calling me an awful person and waving around misleading photos of dead full term babies. That didn't bother me, I knew scientifically everything that was going to happen. I knew the facts. I knew that although I loved this little form inside me, it would not feel any pain. It was still only a primitive form, one that reacted on an instinctual level rather than a human one at the moment. One that would have no memory or consciousness of what was happening. Just a little undeveloped alien looking body that's heart beat on a simple organism level and that would pull away from a touch much like a Venus fly trap closes on one.
I refused pain meds for the procedure and said no to being put to sleep. Part of me was hoping something would happen, I'd gain a back bone, and I'd stop the procedure. Part of me wanted to suffer through whatever pain was to come for this terrible decision I was making.
The procedure was the worst pain of my life. More physically than emotionally. At that point I was emotionally numb and just wanted the world to end.
Afterwards, I didn't feel the sense of relief so many people who have abortions attest to. It just goes to show everyone handles them differently. Some see the light at the end of the tunnel immediately, some not for a long time.
I was of the latter. In the years following I thought I was going crazy. Every single night is have nightmares about it. I could not be alone for more than a half hour or I would have an emotional meltdown. I'd start sobbing in the middle of anything and had to wear sunglasses everywhere so no one could see how wet and red my eyes were. I could not stand to see or hear about a pregnant woman or babies. I imagined ways to die. I felt so much guilt, so much hatred toward myself, so much resentment to my unsupportive family. I went through the stages of grief at what I saw as nothing more than a loss. I felt physically empty and angry and would lash out. It didn't help that there was no one other than my patient boyfriend to talk to. How do you talk about something so many people will want to judge you for when you've already done more than enough judging for all of them combined? How do you tell someone your heartache when it was ultimately a decision you made?
To those who want to shame us, I promise you you could do no more than we've done to ourselves. To those who think it's the easy way out, I can not put into words how opposite that is, how trapped I felt, how much I wanted out of the heart ache, out of this life. To those who think we deserve to be punished, I promise there is no greater punishment than the emotional one that can follow.
There was not a day that went by that this crushing weight wasn't on my shoulders. All I wanted more than anything was a baby, and I waited until I was at a better place in my life to have one.
Those first few months of negatives when we were actively trying brought back all the emotions to their most raw. You see, all I could associate my period with from now on was blood and death and loss, since you bleed for a while after the procedure, when I was at my worst emotionally. I was sure I'd never get pregnant again. I was sure that I didn't deserve a baby because I was so selfish and unfit to be a mother.
The nightmares and the meltdowns and the weight of the world didn't lift until the day I got my positive. We were elated. But even after that it was hard to let myself get completely attached as I was so afraid the happiness would be taken from me as some sort of punishment and I'd wake up one morning in a pool of blood from a miscarriage.
I'm now 20 weeks and once the reality sunk in, I made it through to riskiest first trimester, I have never been happier.
When I think back to the emotions that were such a big part of my life before, I can't even feel them crystal clear as I once could.
Most importantly, all of that guilt and regret and resentment to my family has melted away. My family is excited, after I explained what I went through the first time and why I'm so ready now. And that regret and guilt I thought I would never recover from, a decision I was so sure I could never forgive myself for, all I can think about is how much better of a life my daughter will have because of it.
I think back to where I was when I got pregnant in college and how difficult it would have been to raise a baby and give it everything I wanted to. I would have been very poor for a long time. School would have taken forever to finish. My parents and inlaws would have had to take on a responsibility and helping hand they didn't ask for. I would have had to have babysitters much of the time while I worked and finished school and I would have missed out on more precious moments with my baby than I wanted to. With my daughter now, I can give her everything and more. I can devote as much time to her as I'd like, take a long maternity leave when she's born, quit work to stay home in the near future. I'll never have to worry about finding a job with my education. I'll be able to afford dance lessons and summer camp and elaborate birthday parties.
The unwavering hell I went through for those long years, I'd do it again to be able to give my daughter the wonderful life she will get to have. I love that this baby was wanted by both of her parents from the very beginning, that I was on the best vitamins well before she was conceived, and that this pregnancy has gone so perfectly in contrast to my last. It's a baby that every person is excited for.
I felt very selfish for a long time. But now I think it was so much more selfless to endure what I did, to make that awful choice, so that my current daughter could actually have the best life possible. Yes, at the time my heart wanted that baby, but it wouldn't have been fair to the baby, nor to my future children, to go through with that pregnancy. That was something that affected my decision but that I can see most clearly now in retrospect. In the end, it was a decision made by my head and my heart, and the best decision I made ultimately for my family.
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