Hi, I am a 17 year old girl, writing to you because after almost 4 years in therapy since I was 14 I have finally received a diagnosis, however I am fearful that it is incorrect. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, PTSD and depression. My referral for group therapy to treat bpd and cbt for PTSD are currently on going. 

Let me tell you briefly about my history! Ever since I was 12 I have been severely bullied for my looks and personality, at 14 I was sexually absused by my boyfriend for four months! After the relationship finally ended after long term emotional blackmail where he stated he would end his own life if I was to end the relationship, I turned to multiple forms of drugs (weed, lsd, mdma, cocain) and alcohol and unsafe, casual sex with strangers to deal with the abuse, this then led to severe public bullying at school and on social networking where my personal life was written on the school walls and older students would circle me and scream abuse at me like "dyke" or "slut." I then at 15 years old got into a seemingly Healthy, happy and helpful relationship that later resulted to be full of verbal and mild physical abuse as well as his extremely homophobic, sexist and racist views. He later raped me on 14th February 2015. I must put into account I had a history of self harm, starvation and purging before any of these events (besides bullying.)

In the past year I have had two suicide attempts. (Multiple failed attempts in the past) been in a healthy happy successful relationship for the past 10 months (with problems and difficulties but no arguments) and a miscarriage resulting in me running away from home and college! 

Okay, now for what goes on in my head. Over the past few months I have been mentally editing a letter to my therapist in my head. And I'd like to share it with you! 

To start off with I severely lack energy, I will go hang out with my friends but will not participate in 'group activities' because I'm too tired, even walking short distances is energy consuming, I used to believe that this was due to insomnia but now I'm not so sure. I have always thought that I struggled to get to sleep but thinking about it in more detail I can only struggle to sleep at night because my head is constantly remanissing every single thought I've ever had, I could sleep all day if I wanted to, Is this problem just due to lack of rutine? I'm in constant but not severe physical pain but in more aches rather than unbearable agony! 

Secondly, I don't believe it's paranoia as it doesn't so much make me worry, but everyone has a big plan, as if the whole world (apart from me) has met up at an assembly and has a bigger plan and they are out to get me. Everyone is in on this plan weather i know them or not, my mum, my boyfriend, my best friend and every Unknown stranger I see on the street, despite there being the MAIN plan, people I am closer to may have seperate, smaller plan but others are in on it. As I stated earlier it doesn't worry me, I am wary of it constantly and I'm always trying to figure out their plan but I am also happy to go along with it and be everyone's puppet. For example if I was to see I nice handsome looking man in a suit walking down the street, he will have a plan, perhaps just for example, to stab me and that thought scares me but it's everyone's plan so I'll go along with it and won't do anything to avoid the situation! I need to make it clear that everyone also knows what I'm thinking, so if I tried to make a plan against someone else, everyone knows it as soon as I've thought of it!

Thirdly, I hear voices. Not clear voices that are telling me to do things, in my left ear the voices are telling me stuff that will make me self conscious or paranoid or worried, for example (obviously in more detail) "your fat" "they want to kill you" "there is something wrong with your appearance". Where as in the right ear I can hear the voices but can't make out what they are saying as they sounds as if they are coming through an untuned radio but they sound like unpleasant people!! 

Fourthly, being skinny is a thing! It's not a passing thought like 'ahh it'd be nice to lose a few pounds' it's not even 'oh I'm on a diet but let me have some cheeky nibbles' I barely eat and it's a constant thought in my head! I can't exercise because I'm constantly too exhausted, I am 5ft 5 and 7.9 stone and ten months ago I was almost 10 stone.

I'm must also confess I do use drugs, but only because they calm my head down they make the voices and 'paranoia' and the need to be skinny go away they give me more energy and make me more productive and make me feel like a real living human being!! 

I'm sorry this is a rather long question its just it is getting in the way of my life and effecting jobs, relationships, friendships and me, I stay in bed the majority of the time, sometimes all day every day. 

Thank you I hope to hear back from you soon.