Guilt
Just before my 15th birthday I found out I was pregnant and I was devastated. I was a bright child with big dreams about to be ruined, my boyfriend was unsupportive and my family would have killed me if they'd known. I arranged an abortion and was terrified as the hospital was 20 miles away, I needed to be there for 6am and my gp would not arrange nhs transport. "Fortunately" a couple of days before my op I miscarried and that was that.
11 years later I'm married with a great job, I've got my degree and I own a house, I'm ready to be a mum. On Saturday I lost my baby at 8 weeks 4 days and I'm devastated. I have times where I'll be doing something and all of a sudden the tears come and I start screaming and it just won't stop.
It's breaking my heart that I've lost this baby and I feel so guilty for my first baby, that it meant so little to me. That I value this child so much more. Over the years I have cried for that child but I never loved it like this. I know I shouldn't but I keep punishing myself for feeling this way. Why should I get a token to remember this pregnancy but my first is just discarded. And my husband doesn't get it, he told me at least having a miscarriage when I was younger means if we have another ill get tested to see what's wrong (my doctor told us they test only after 3).
In some ways I feel this was the universe punishing me for not loving that first baby which I know is ridiculous 😿
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