Love & Sex
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Please help :-(
I'm 19 years old and lost my virginity almost three years ago. I've never had an orgasm and am slivers away from losing all hope of ever having one. I never masturbated as a child and when I lost my virginity I realized my clitoris was almost too sensitive to ever even be touched. If it was it was almost like it was being scratched with little blades, like excruciating pain. My first boyfriend (who I lost my virginity to) of two years wasn't very nice and made me feel ashamed of myself and my body which didn't help considering I shamed myself for it enough throughout my life. Playing with myself is impossible, I can't even turn myself on and playing with myself in front of my boyfriend is impossible because of the aforementioned reason and also because it makes me very uncomfortable. I have puffy nipples which on its own is enough to make me freeze up and hide my body in front of my boyfriend of six months because I've never allowed him to see my nipples unless they were erect( like being a little cold or turned on) and my first boyfriend didn't see them until we'd been together over a year and even that made me want to throw up because of sheer nervousness that my fears would be confirmed and I'm some kind of freak. No matter how much I told myself it was normal in the back of my head I've always hated myself for how my body looks. My boyfriend now is much sweeter but even he can't help but get discouraged by our sex life. I also have hip problems (my hips joints slip out of the sockets which is VERY painful) which prevents me from doing anything where I'm on top because I won't be able to walk for days afterwards due to the pain(not that any positions where I'm on top even feel good, or even feel like much at all to me) and my own insecurities and body issues make it hard for me to even be confident enough to be on top in the first place. I've tried vibrators, watching porn with my boyfriend, being tied up, exhibitionism, really sensual slow sex, I've tried dirty talk, almost everything. Positions like doggy and sometimes missionary or when we both lay on our side can feel SO GOOD but no matter how good it feels I don't think I've ever come. I've never felt anything like what I've heard other people describe. It's like knocking over dominos except that last really big domino of an orgasm was just placed a little too far away and never falls. No matter how much I've been able to relax with my boyfriend now it'll either start to hurt due to the sensitivity of my clitoris or maybe it's the position we're doing (which I am convinced is from my first boyfriend being an asshole and not getting me wet before shoving it in almost every time we had sex because it's usually the positions he'd to that to me in that hurt) and I can see how much more frustrated he's becoming with it and I myself am almost at the point of calling it quits and giving up and just allowing himself to satisfy his sexual needs with other girls as much as that would kill me. If there's anything that anyone knows on ways that I can try to fix this please, I'm dying to finally satisfy him and be confident in myself. No matter how many times I try to be confident my self esteem hits the floor the second our clothes come off and this is killing me that my sex life feels so doomed.