What do these dreams about my abuser mean? (Pardon the backstory)
So when I was 14 my boyfriend at the time was the nicest guy ever then after being together for a year and a half, he changed and started to physically abuse me. After he broke up with me and I moved along, I confronted him about the events I thought my brain was just making up because we never addressed the issue. He told me I was crazy and it never happened. I bury it for years and turn it off, but unusually have multiple problems occurring in every day life that I don't notice. Fast forward to me being 17 and I meet a guy so funny and wonderful, I fall hard and we can't keep away from each other. The first time we have sex is when he triggers something so deep down in my memory that I don't understand anything until all I can see is my ex boyfriend hanging over me with his hand at my neck. I'm crying and so confused. Fast forward to now; a strong young woman living with the boy she fell in love with at 17 and having dreams she can't explain.
I don't understand them. They used to always to be hateful and dark and torturous. For the past 6 months my ex has been in my dreams but he'll quietly be sitting/standing somewhere watching me, but make no moves. I see him and I'm always very uncomfortable when he is there. Or other times, my dream self knows I'm afraid of him but we're laughing and talking and having a fabulous time as if we were friends. Sometimes I find myself longing to be wrapped up by him and kissed on the head tenderly. But in my waking life I'm incredibly scared of him. I don't understand what these dreams mean when in real life I feel different about him, especially if I see his picture or his name, unrelatedly, is spoken.
I apologize for the long back story. I figured you'd want to know the situation before answering questions. But..does anyone have any answers? Or similar situations? I'm too afraid to go to a therapist and my boyfriend, as helpful as he is, doesn't have any solutions either. I'd just like some advice, please.
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