But here's where it all begins:

So my very first ever pelvic exam was the most traumatizing moment in my life so far. Keep in mind I have never ever been to the doctor for anything vagina related, I was VERY uneducated in the world of OB/GYN. I was in the hospital because of an UNBELIEVABLY heavy flow, a flow so bad that when I stood up to go to the bathroom from the waiting room I dropped within seconds and was in a pool of my own blood, unconscious, I woke up in a room in the hospital and asked what happened. My mom told me I pasted out and the doctor would come in soon. Eventually a doctor came in, and I was very upset that it was a male doctor. I was one of the women raised to hate men, I don't actually hate men but I've always been uncomfortable around them and especially men I don't know. I've ALWAYS had female doctors so a man doing this was horrifying to me, and with very little conversation about what was happening he opened my legs and put the speculum in, he also opened it WAYYY too far as it was very painful and stretching me, keep in mind this is my very first pelvic exam I don't even know what a speculum is nor have ever even seen one or known what happens during a pelvic exam, so I'm terrified and in pain. He put a camera inside me and told me the bleeding wasn't coming from my cervix (which at the time I didn't know much and had no clue what that meant) so this doctor just overall sucks and I felt unbelievably violated. I don't care whether or not they have a license to do so, I don't want a strange man I don't know going up inside of me and stuff, I mean I'm crying rn just thinking of all of this. I don't know why it was so horrible for me, but I still have nightmares about it. 

My second "pelvic exam" was getting my iud put in (I've tried everything and it's literally my last option for birth control) the doctor was female and super nice and explained everything to me and was probably the best doctor I could have, for some reason I was still shaking the entire time she was talking. I get unbelievable anxiety when I go anywhere near an OB/GYN office. I don't know how to stop it. I know this doctor is nice and gentle and female but for some reason I still have a panic attack sitting in that room. I can't handle looking at any of the tools or words or anything related to doctors and vaginas. Even after the insertion of my iud I was so uncomfortable with myself. I couldn't stand touching my vagina, I dreaded just going to the bathroom because I hated being reminded that somebody else was like up in there you know? I hate the thought of somebody other than me or my boyfriend going near my lady parts, even tho after going to the doctors it took so long for me to be comfortable with even my boyfriend touching me. I would get like the feeling of dread and panic anytime he tried to do anything, and it's really been messing with our relationship. He has a lot of insecurity issues and him thinking I'm not sexually attracted to him doesn't help. I feel like a freak every time I go to the OG/GYN and have a panic attack when millions of women are getting their cooches poked everyday.  

Sorry this is so long but please PLEASE comment if you have any tips or find this relatable in any way.