At my witts end

I have a 4 year old autistic little boy. Tonight is one of those nights where I sit in the dark crying...feeling angry, hopeless and exhausted. I knew having children would be hard, that parenting isn't easy...but nothing prepared me for the challenges of raising a special needs child. Sure we have our good days...but even good days are filled with countless struggles. I love my little boy, but oh what I wouldn't give to be able to make his autism disapear...to be able to communicate with him and hear him talk, to be able to take him out of the house without fear of him running away, to be able to sleep at night without being woken several times to crying or laughing, to not be hit kicked and scratched for telling him no....to just be able to enjoy motherhood without the guilt and anger. Right now he's running around our dark apartment laughing and flapping his arms...this is my nightly routine. I know things could be so much worse...but in the moment it feels like this is the worst.