This is going to be a semi long post. About a month ago I had the most disturbing dream of my life. Every single detail stuck with me. It felt so real I woke up crying and hyperventilating. 

I worked my ass off when my ex husband and I filed for divorce. I didn't lose much weight but toned and got a good jag of muscle. this sweet baby girl of mine was a total accident and turned my life upside down. The day the test was positive I cried. I didn't know what I was going to do. But have since figured it out. I'm thankful it was with the man I already promised to spend my life with. 

Anyways, so in this dream I was going in for a routine checkup. The doctor couldn't find the heart beat so he sent me for an ultrasound and we discovered our baby (didn't know the gender in the dream) had passed away. He sent me home to wait for things to happen naturally. My mom took me out shopping to try and help my spirits, but I couldn't handle public. I soon found myself upon the floor of this department store crying, begging God to give me my baby back, apologizing for hating the changes my body was making, promising to embrace the journey since it was my last time. I was devastated because I didn't want to do it again but felt so empty knowing my child was gone. I felt like a failure. My mom walked off to find someone to help me and she returned with a male store clerk, who said he couldn't help that only a female was able to help me now. At that moment I woke up panicked, I couldn't breath. I was at my moms house so I looked at the time and knew my fiancé was awake so I called him. I couldn't speak, just cry. I eventually was able to tell him what happened through the tears. I was so relieved that it wasn't real. 

Yes, my body is changing. Yes I'm gaining weight, I feel fat and often am disgusted when I look in the mirror. I know that I don't look the same as I did when I lived in the gym, but you know what? I'm fine with that. I'll work and get what I worked so hard for back. Then I'll be a hot mom of four. Until then, I'm allowing my body to do what it has to do to grow a healthy beautiful baby girl. I love this child so much, I can't wait to give birth to her and see the look on my fiances face when he holds his first child. I'm giving life to someone, I'm giving someone a daughter and I'm giving my children another sibling that they will have to lean on when I'm gone. I love being pregnant. I do. Here's to being as healthy as possible while glowing and growing. Never take what you have for granted. 

#growingandglowing 💕

Happy 19th week. 19w4d