Let me start this off by saying that I like sex. I like it alot, but sometimes I just don't wanna be all sweaty, sticky and smell like jizz. Okay?

Like I just put on these panties. I'm clean, I used a bath bomb. You smell like armpits and beef jerky.

Let's be honest for a minute, really. It takes me longer to take off my clothes than to get it on sometimes!

So with that in mind. Here are the reasons I've given you this year (this week!) To avoid touching your wang.

1. I'm constipated. (Poop talk, that always works)

2. I am itchy ... down there.

3. I think it's a yeast infection!

4. Like really, does anyone else smell fresh bread?

5. I haven't shaved. (Think chewbacca)

6. I'm on my period...

7. It's heavy.

8. Like , Moses parts the red sea kinda shit.

9. My mother is coming to visit tomorrow. (Haha motherlovva')

10. ... still constipated.

I'm bored, what's your reasons?

Ps. It's meant to be funny... sort of.