When my husband said he wanted our little girl to be like me, I doubt this is what he meant. But she is. All my life I've been scared that my cleft palate wasn't just some fluke and that I could pass it on to my children, and that's exactly what happened.

Yesterday at our 20 week ultrasound, we found out that our baby girl has a cleft palate and a unilateral cleft lip.

I feel like I failed her. In my head, I know I did everything I could have. I'd been taking prenatals/folic acid for a full year before we even tried for a baby. I've never smoked. My heart is telling me that it's my fault, though, and because of me this innocent child will have to undergo multiple surgeries and endure the pain that comes with them.

Feeding specialists (breastfeeding is off the table now), craniofacial specialists, plastic surgeons, ENTs, audiologists, orthodontists, and speech therapists... This is our life now.

I wanted so much better for her, damn it! I feel angry and scared and guilty and... overwhelmed. I love this child so much already and it hurts so badly to think of the road she has ahead of her.

I'm trying to be positive. This child is so very loved and has parents and family that will move heaven and Earth to make sure she has the best care possible. I know that most, if not all, of the surgeries will be before she can even remember them. I just... It's still new. There's a grief there that will suddenly come out of nowhere and knock all positive thought aside like children's blocks.