After about 10 months of actively trying to conceive , we finally got the 2 lines ! And it is quite interesting … Because after all of those months of hoping for a BFP (Big Fat Positive) , and prematurely shopping for baby that didn’t exist yet … I finally got the positive + test I’ve been waiting for ! Guess what my initial reaction was ?

Shock . (Understandably) and panic . I had always imagined what it would be like to see those 2 lines and I always thought my initial reaction would be to cry tears of joy and jump into Kevins’ arms and immediately start looking up nursery themes …etc. Maybe part of me didn’t believe it yet , and didn’t want to get my hopes up too early . So after that sleepless night , I woke up at 5:30am and took another test , which also ended up being +.

I then put together a basket of pregnancy books and a custom onesie I had made months prior , and surprised Kevin with it in bed . He was very excited and of course , cool as a cucumber . I had more excitement that morning , but in the back of my mind , I was still in panic mode .

“What did I get myself into ?!” … “Can I do this?” … “Will I be a good mother?” All of these thoughts rattled around in my mind , pretty much constantly . In the beginning of the pregnancy (who am I kidding, I’m still in first trimester!) but in the first few weeks , I was just very tired and had sore boobs . So I felt very lucky and thought I was in the clear from experiencing horrible morning sickness …etc.

I just needed to make my ultrasound appointment to see the baby , hear the heartbeat , and know that it is all real . Well a few days before the ultrasound , the nausea kicked in full effect . Then at my appointment , I saw our baby and heard the fast drum like heart beat of our baby. I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else’s baby . I was almost in a “dream state”. I didn’t cry and get insanely excited . I was very glad and thankful to know that baby is safe and had a good heartbeat . But it just didn’t feel real yet .

We decided to announce our pregnancy to friends and family that afternoon . Part of that was so it would feel more real for me , and to have a ton of support . Of course , another part of me couldn’t imagine keeping that news to ourselves for another     5 weeks !

As the days went by , the nausea persisted and was met with constant dizziness . I began to notice that feeling sick 24/7 really takes a toll on me mentally . My subconscious now associates my feeling sick , with the baby that is growing inside of me . I’ve begun to feel as though my body no longer belongs to me . With lack of better words , my body has been hijacked . It is so difficult to feel excitement and joy when you feel so sick , which in turn makes you feel worthless (no house cleaning , cooking , working …etc) WHICH in turn makes you feel depressed . As a result , you feel guilty for not being happy , and begin to wonder if you deserve to be having a baby in the first place .

I now feel as though I have lost any/all sexual appeal , and now I am just this maternal vessel that is growing a baby . And as someone who is naturally a little bit vain , sacrificing my fit body is difficult to adjust to . (I knew that going into trying .. But didn’t realize how much it would effect me and my self esteem) .

On a LIGHTER note ! I have discussed these feelings with some good friends of mine who have children of their own and they all have experienced these same things ! What the actual f***?! I always thought that pregnant women were always glowing with happiness and were so in love with their babies just from seeing the first ultrasound . I , personally , feel more sick looking at the ultrasound . And I think that is partially because it still freaks me out that I have this life growing inside me and I , at some point , inevitably have to push it out of my vagina. And as a sexual abuse survivor , any trauma that has to do with that area , just makes me panicked and uncomfortable .

But anywho, I feel like society has painted this perfect picture of how women should feel and act when they are pregnant , so MANY women experience everything I’m experiencing , but feel too guilty to admit it ! That is so sad ! All women are in this together , and we should voice our true feelings and support one another throughout our journeys of doubts and discomfort . Why suffer in silence when you can be supported and reassured by women who has been through it all??

Well, needless to say , I am SO ready to meet my 2nd trimester with open arms of desperation to feel even slightly good and normal once again ! And maybe , JUST MAYBE , I will begin to feel so excited once:

a) I start really showing

b) I feel the baby kick

Until then , I really, truly hope that you all enjoyed my brutal honesty and I look forward to writing more (happy) blog posts in the near future ! And thank you for joining me on my crazy journey of pregnancy !

-Michelle G