Depression

I feel like I'm falling in quick sand. There's rarely a day I'm not emotional and sad. It feels like im stuck in an endless loop of loneliness. Im tired of people telling me to just get over it and cheer up. Every time I try to talk to someone I get dismissed for trying to start a fight or they roll their eyes and ignore me.

I've wanted to get tested for depression but my husband and my family tell me not to. They've said it'll be on my record and I'll ruin my career. Some will just roll their eyes and say I'm suffering from first world problems. I feel ostracized and panicked. I'm constantly left out because I'm a wet blanket. My husband spends all his time at the local bar or on his phone and no one in my family will pick up my calls. My cousins think I'm selfish to complain when I'm married.

Now, after failing to conceive, I feel suicidal often and guilty for wanting to just give up. I've thought about going to a dealer for anti depressants just so people can handle me. I've thought about divorcing my husband and running away to another state and starting a new life without anyone. I just don't know what to do anymore.