Earlier this year after many attempts (A LOOOOOOT of sex 😂) We finally found out that Bree (gf) was pregnant.. It was one of the best feelings in the world to me.. I understood we're still young but I think we both felt that if we loved eachother enough that even if we did struggle for a bit we could get through it together.. No matter what anyone thought we were happy.. There were a lot of personal things going on that I don't feel the need to touch on but it had a lot to do w/ how badly we wanted a child..

One day Bree  told me she'd had a miscarriage.. It hurt.. But b/c of the person I am I spent a lot more time making sure she was okay (as best as I could) instead of really worrying about myself.. Since we've been together I've always put her ahead of myself.. That's how it's been.. That's probably how it always will be ..

Later I found out that there was no miscarriage. Her mother picked her up one day and said they were going to get ice cream.. Come to find out she was actually taking Bree to a clinic.. Brianna really wanted the baby (almost.. if not more than I did) but because it was her mother she couldn't bring herself to say no to an abortion ..

She was a few weeks along .. Which may not be very much but it was more than enough .. Especially since we'd been trying so long and finally a miracle had happened .. When she told me she had a miscarriage things didn't add up but I didn't say anything b/c either way it was an emotional experience .. Finding out she had to get an abortion hit me a hell of a lot harder than the miscarriage ..

Even though it sucked I've always tried to look on the bright side (for her sake) and see that we have plenty of time to try for a baby .. Bree never really got to a point where she could hear/see babies and not feel bad but a few weeks ago something happened and we'd hugged and I let her cry on my shoulder as long as she needed .. It made me feel like she was finally starting to heal ..

Idk why .. But last week we decided we'd start trying again .. It made me so happy when we finally did but I would have been perfectly okay with waiting awhile longer ..

Last night I really felt hurt about the baby thing .. For the first time in a long time .. I'm not a guy that cries or shows those kinds of emotions very often (AT ALL) but when she said what she said I really had to try to hold back tears ..

Bree told me that if she didn't get pregnant from the few times we'd had sex this past week that she didn't want to try anymore for awhile .. 

In all honesty if she'd said she wanted to wait before we started trying I wouldn't have minded in the least .. 

One of the main reasons I really decided to try with her again is because I thought she'd finally be happy and be able to get over what had happened with the first pregnancy ..

Just moments before I'd been talking with an old friend that happened to be pregnant now and just talking to someone else around the same age that's also going to have a baby felt so good to me.. It meant a lot when I felt tears in my eyes.. I was so happy..

Since last night things haven't been going so well between me and Brianna.. I love that girl to death and I know we aren't going to break up or anything from this.. But I don't think she really knows how what she said made me feel .. I understand it isn't the worst thing in the world .. And honestly it's a good thing she'd rather wait .. But for her to say what she said after we'd finally started trying again just .. 

It sort've felt like my heart was crumbling..