So about a year ago now, my parent's kicked me out of their house. I started living with a family member who could hardly stand me (but I had no where else to go) and I worked a minimum wage job. I had hateful people tell me that my boyfriend was too good for me and that I basically wasn't worth it. They would tell me that something must be wrong with me because he hadn't asked me to marry him yet (we had only dated for about nine months). I just felt lost and alone. I wanted to belong to something. I couldn't go home and I was aggravated with where I lived. I barely had any money to live off of. My car broke down and my parent's had to pay for it because I didn't have any money saved. How could I? I only made about $60-$80 a week and I drove a lot because my boyfriend lived out of state and I went to school about an hour away. My job was also 45 minutes from where I lived. Anyways, my parent's threw it in my face and kept reminding me about it and wanted me to pay them back. Stress and routine changes got a hold of me and I would go weeks without birth control. I finally said fuck it and quit taking it. I fell into a state where I didn't care anymore. So what if I got pregnant? I really didn't care much about my life, either. I became suicidal. Not too long later, I totaled my car and the accident was my fault. My mom and dad didn't have full coverage on my car so I no longer had a car. I had to borrow a car from the family member that I lived with. She basically just used me as something to control. I'd hear about how wonderful everyone else was while I heard how terrible I was. Anyway, 10 days after my accident, I noticed that something was off. I took a test. Right before I prayed so hard thag God would bless me with a baby because I just needed something to hold me here. (I was scared to tell my boyfriend what had been going on. His dad committed suicide and I didn't want him to leave me because of my birth control. We weren't very good with communication at the time. I really think we had sex too early.) Something positive. Some good news. Sure enough, the test was positive! I was nervous and scared. I hadn't expected it to really be positive! The doctor confirmed it and I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant. He was so happy when I told him! Two weeks later, we married. But, I dealt with pain even after. I felt like I had become pregnant on purpose. I sought help but was told that I was stupid. The same negative people told me that I wasn't a good enough wife nor would I be a good enough mother. I watched my husband struggle through things and I felt horrible. I came open to him about what had happened. He seemed to understand, but we've only talked about it once, so I don't really know how he feels. I still feel horrible. It's almost like I have to force myself to be alive, to just breathe. There's a lot I would change if I could go back but I can't. I'm married and I'm a soon-to-be mom. I don't regret being married or pregnant; I just wish it would have happened differently. Obviously, my baby is meant to be here or I wouldn't be pregnant. I'm just tired of living in all this pain and fear. I still have people outside of my relationship that are trying to control my life- marriage and all- even my husband and to a certain degree, my child. I feel like giving up sometimes but I have to set an example for my child. I cannot be weak. I just hope that I will make it through. I feel like a burden, a failure, and a complete bitch who deserves the worst of everything, even in labor. It's definitely been a hard year! But that's just my story....