Being a victim of domestic violence is a cross I have to bear. There is shame that comes with divulging to others that you are no longer with the father of your children because he was emotionally and physically abusive to you. At what point does a person present this information to another? As I've learned, there is no justification in why I tell people that I was abused, just like there was no justification in me being abused. Making excuses is part of the problem. Covering up the truth is part of the problem. What then, is the solution? If lies and deceit are key to the problem, the solution must be based on honesty and punishment.

In the aftermath of leaving my abuser, I've faced many instances of revictimization at the hands of counselors, lawyers, and the court system, while court for my abuser was just another opportunity to see me outside of the protection order and intimidate me by turning the courtroom into a circus. The court system for victims and abusers is one place where victims are continuously made to stay in the victim stage, and abusers are given multiple opportunities to slander and shame their victim publicly.

Coming to court, we anticipate seeing our abusers held accountable for the charges brought against them, but unbeknownst to us, plea deals are being worked behind the scenes without any input from the partners that knew their abusers intimately. Afterall, it's important to emphasize that intimate partner violence is called such a thing for a very specific reason.

My story comes out in pieces, and I think that's just part of the process, and also how our mind's work as survivors. Getting from victim status to survivor status, really only happens after you've fully been victimized beginning to end; from battery, to arrest, through court, through conviction or not, THAT is how one survives their abuse.

As survivors, we have these fragmented memories that cause us to constantly question our own gut instincts about what we KNOW happened to us. It's such a disadvantage to us when trying to recall details.

My story is a culmination of 7 and a half years of emotional abuse leading up to a single domestic battery incident; 5 years spent with my abuser, and 2.5 years spent dealing with the aftermath of leaving my abuser. I think most survivors have their story broken down into bits of time, because time was all we could really count on. Another hour, another day, another minute, another year. It doesn't matter how long we stayed, what matters is the time spent after and what we do with that time.

The time spent in our abusive relationships was time that was stolen from us, time that we rightfully owned, but it was controlled and manipulated by another. The time after abuse is REALLY our time; time to relax, time to think, time to cry, time to laugh, time to enlighten, time to educate, time to make sure that no one else is EVER robbed of their time the way we were robbed of our's.

Ultimately, that is why we share our stories. It took me two years to share part of my story, but it gets easier after the constant revictimization that takes place. It also seems like the more you share your story, the more personal breakthroughs you'll have.

For me personally, I've had several instances where I would be recalling an incident from the past in conversation and it would trigger a "flashback." I would become overwhelmed with the same emotions from that moment, but come out of it with new insight into the depth of the abuse I suffered. The abuse was all so subtle it constantly kept me questioning if I was wrong to think my ex was emotionally and psychologically abusing me, but with every breakdown came insight, and the truth of the situation was far more disturbing than the fake reality I pretended to live.

This is just a sampling of the life I was barely living when I was trapped in domestic disharmony with my ex as a stay-at-home mom. -Amanda P.

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