boyfriend moved, broke up with me, reached out... it's complicated

I was in a relationship this summer with a man who moved to California. I’m planning on moving out there in 2 years when I’m done with school anyways so I figured a Long Distance Relationship would be ok. His dad is a pilot too so he could visit me whenever and I could visit him whenever. We talked about it and he said he would make it work because he was falling in love with me, he trusted me… He asked me if I would move out there when I was done with school and I told him I would if we were still together. So I figured we would try this out. When I came back from Disney before he left… He told me he doesn’t know if he can handle the distance.. Doesn’t know if he trusts himself (I had to get that out of him sort of).. He asked about doing the no commitment thing and in two years get back together, which honestly hurt me. I told him that, that wasn’t fair to me blah blah blah. He ended up crying when we said our goodbyes and he called me and told me to come over because he was so upset and wanted to see me so I did. He asked me if I still wanted to go to his cousins wedding and I was back and fourth about it for awhile. I decided to go which was that Sunday. His family took pictures of us and whatever and me and him talked. He asked if I would really never speak to him again and I told him I would have to move on so yeah… He said he didn’t want to lose me and he wanted to try to make it work. The day after the wedding he left for California but wanted me to come by and say goodbye, so I did. Two days go by and he sends me a text saying something along the lines of… he doesn’t trust himself when he’s out there if he’s put in certain situations (his friends more than likely… Would be adding too it). He said he wants to be loyal but he doesn’t want anything to break the trust that we have…. Something like that. He also said he’s not ready to settle down yet blah blah blah… (Which I’m only 22 and he turns 24  next week, I’m not thinking about marriage any time soon so I didn’t understand that). We left on good terms… And I told him if it’s good timing for me and wants to try it again he could let me know. He told me also I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had

 

I sent him a birthday text on his birthday which was Wednesday and the conversation went like this

Me: Happy Birthday

Him: Thank You :)

Him: Thank You :)

Me: I think you sent that twice

Him: I have no service and I'm at drakes concert

Me: that's cool. Enjoy

Him: thank yaa . 

A week later he texts me 

Doing great. 

Me: Good to hear from you, heading into dinner, keep in touch

Him: Ok, I'm at the Olympia in Vegas rn having a good time just thinking about ya. Nice FB pic btw, that guys hand looks good around your waist haha 😜

(Side note, I cropped him out out my profile picture on Facebook because it's a good picture of me lol) 

Me: It was a summer 16 accessory, used to look good then moved on to fall apparel-but I changed it today actually 👸🏼

Him: Damn, that's weird bc I heard that color was in all year round🤔

Him: Damn but u look good af in that new pic 

(I was in a funk after this, I didn't know what to say so I just kind of left it. I fell asleep/ wanted to think about what I would say or if I would even answer him)

That morning I woke up to texts from him

Him: Word no answer I see how it is

Him: Im sitting here trying to be nice and reach out to you and maintain being on good terms and ur just gonna be mad short with me on purpose.. Like ok 

Him: I really do miss you.. Wish u didn't have to he like that. Talk to u whenever I guess.

Me: Hey I'm not intentionally ignoring you or being short. You know I miss you too. you know I care about you and adore you.  I'm not interested in being a backup, an option, or being strung along. I don't want to be friends or in an open relationship. I respect your decision to end the relationship. I'm moving on. Give me a call if you want me and want to be with me, but I if that's not the case, respect me just let me be

Him: What happened to "the door is always open"? 

Him: I guess that changed pretty quick 

Him: If your moving on than i don't really have a choice.

Me: Read the message again Michael. 

Him:And I do think ur intentionally being short. You've never spoken to me like that before so it's pretty clear u are

Me: You're not understanding what I'm saying. Call me 

Him: And I understand what you want but I can't give it to your rn anyway. I was serious when I said I think you could be the girl I would be with long term

Him: That's why it upsets me that your moving on, because down the road you would be the girl I wanna end up with 

Him: I can't I'm at the Olympia I can call u later

Me: It's either you want to be with me, or you don't, yes or no. It's that simple. 

Him: I want to. Just not right now 

Him: I really wanna be with you Payton

Me: No you don't .There's no in between 

Him: Actually there is. I'm not gonna do a long distance relationship when I'm trying to build my brand 

Him: If you lived here you would be my girlfriend 

There's no in between Michael. 

Me: I understand you're building your brand. But do you understand what I'm doing? 

Him: Yeah your studying your ass off in school

Him: Do you even still love me or no 

Me: I'm in college, focusing on myself too & stepping out of my comfort zone to get myself where I know I can be. 

Me: How does your brand have any tie towards me? I'm not holding you back from anything. 

Him: Answer my question 

Me: I'll answer your question when you listen to what I have to say  

Him: I am listening. Just answer the question 

Me: Let me say what I need to say 

Me: I don't know what it is you want from me. 

"I can't trust myself." What that says if you're given an opportunity, to explore other options you're going to do that. If you truly feel so strongly about us & you feel the way you do about me, you would want to do everything in your power to make it work, you wouldn't want to lose me. If you truly feel the way you say you do, there should be no problem with commitment. You say all of these things to me but your actions have not shown me that. I get it, a long distance relationship is a difficult thing, but if you feel strongly enough about a person you would do everything in your power to make it work, that is if you don't care to lose them  If you're not able to commit to me, what other options do I have other than to move on? 

Along with that what does a long distance relationship has anything to do with your brand?

I'll answer your question when you answer mine 

Him: It's not that I can't trust myself, it's just that putting my life on hold for 2 years is going to be hard as fuck and I think it's unrealistic for both of us and I just don't think it's the best way to handle this situation. It's easy to say all this about a long distance relationship until it's 6 months from now and you realize how shitty it is not being able to see each other. Do I see myself settling down with you in the future, absolutely, no question about it, I want too. But it's just sheer stupidity to wanna put each other in this type of situation when we're so far away from each other. And as far as my brand goes, being In a long distance relationship while I'm trying to build my brand is distracting and would take away my focus on what I wanna do. I love you. I really do, I've been thinking about you everyday since I've been here and it's been really hard for me to not keep hitting you up because I miss you a lot. I just don't think there's only two choices here, I think you're being extremely stubborn that we can't just talk occasionally and be on good terms so when I do come home I can see you and visa Versa. Until your done with school and we can really settle down like we want. 

Me: Do you think that is fair to me?You can't have your cake and eat it too. I'm sorry Michael, that's not how it's going to work with me. If you really love someone you can make it work, no matter the circumstances. I'm not okay with you hooking up with other people & expecting to see me when you're here. I'm not settling for something like that 

If you can't be with me now then I can't see myself with you in the future- I won't be with someone who will willingly let me go. Do you think that's something that I deserve? The fact of the matter is, if you really feel the way you do about me, you wouldn't take the chance to lose me How would you be putting your life on hold? You're asking me to put mine on hold and let you do what Tf you want to do, when you want too, while I stay loyal to you. I cannot do an open relationship. I'm sorry but I deserve more than that. You either want to be with me Michael or you don't. There's no in between- it's either you want me or you don't . You know I love you Michael I really do. But I cannot put myself in this situation. It is unhealthy for me to be committed to someone who cannot commit to me. I'm not going to be your option. I deserve better than that & I think you can agree You're not making me a priority, I'm not a priority to you, so I can't be with you. What do you want from me? You would be okay with me being with other people? That would be ok with you? 

Me: Look, I know I'm coming from an emotional state right now. We're not on bad terms. The door is still open, I'm just not ready to talk right now, please just give me time.  

He typed then stopped