Giant pillows of pain!

Holy Guacamole Batman! 
My boobs have exploded into giant pillows of pain. I'm pregnant (*read as rapidly growing fat due to internal parasite*) with my third bambino and I don't remember them being as sore the last two times for as long (I'm almost half way, woo hoo! Mini party over here y'all! But not too much dancing or I'll literally piss my pants). Essentially those two little lines appeared on that pee stick and BAM the boobs met in the middle and stung like a wasps nest instantly and haven't let up since. I've decided I'm just not able to wear those prisons we call "bras" anymore and I'm going to have to invest in some sort of freezer that attaches to the tits to sooth and meanwhile plus hire someone to slap the husband when he tries to touch them, because you know, not wearing a bra is an invitation for touching obviously. Obviously not, you bastard. If you would like to apply for this position, I'm now accepting resumes. No experience necessary, although raging hormones would be looked upon favourably Comrad.