In Australia we celeberate our Father's Day on the first Sunday of September (4th), I calculated that I would be 17+6 weeks so I decided to book in a private 3D scan to find out the sex as a Father's Day gift to my fiancé... Only to have 'Father's Day' be one of the worst days for us, what felt like a life time for the sonographer trying to find a heartbeat, she turned to us and said "I'm so sorry" and I knew straight away but I was just finding it hard to believe and all I could think was "not again" after loosing our first baby last year at only 5-6weeks. I layed there in shock just staring at the screen praying that I would see him move or even just a flinch but nothing 😔 I quickly wiped off the jelly and threw myself into my partners arms "I felt movement just 2 days ago" was all I could say. The sonographer sent us to the hospital and it was then that we found out he stopped growing at around 16 weeks, which left me scratching my head about feeling movement. They sent home and sent us off for a formal scan the next day and found that there was no fluid what so ever which was odd because I didn't have any leaking, bleeding or even any pain

They then preped me up for birth, they refused to perform a D&C as he was too big and it would cause major damage to me, so every 3 hours (only 5 every 24 hours) they had to insert a tablet behind my cervix which would lower and open it up, after the second tablet I had some contractions (nothing too painful) I then sat on the toilet and what felt like a waterfall of large blood clots just dropped into the toilet bowl, I panicked thinking my baby was in the toilet but thankfully he hadn't passed yet. I then tried to get some sleep with my fiancé by my side the whole time, we woke up at 7am as I was getting extremely painful contractions, I went to go for my morning wee at about 7:40 only to realise there was something there, I grabbed some toilet paper just holding it there and asked my fiancé to get the midwife, she had a look and informed me it was his foot, and that is when I started to panic. She said I could push him out while I say on the toilet but I refused, I awkwardly walked to the bed and started to push him out (I didn't think he would be so big) when they handed him to me the first thing I noticed was his nose and how developed he was already (he looks exactly like his dad! Just my luck) I also noticed that the cord was wrapped around his neck 😓I had him at 7:59am

The placenta wouldn't pass no matter how much I pushed so the doctor had to remove it manually (OUCH!) they gave me gas for that and again my fiancé was holding my hand the whole time.

The midwives, social worker were amazing!! They let us spend the whole day with our little man, got him a beautiful bassinet, blanket and beanie, and a memory box too.

The genetics specialist came in to do an external examination and said he couldn't find any abnormalities (I have an app to get the results of the autopsy) he also confirmed that our baby is a boy he was just so perfect, from the top of his head to the tip of his toes

He named him Kitai Roanan Borchardt 💙

He had his funeral on Monday and it was the most beautiful send off I have ever witnessed, everyone is so compationate, our celebrant christened him during the service and our 3 chosen godparents got to formally accept him as their godson in front of our family and closest friends. The funeral director made everything so much easier for us, she even got a baby book made for him, a candle with his name and she still contacts me through email at least once a week to see how I am doing, she is the nicest person I've ever met! 

I know it happens a lot more than we think but I really do hope that no one has to go through any of this, I refuse to say 'goodbye' because it isn't, we will see both of our babies again and I know they're with us every step of the way and although I wish they were physically here with us it warms my heart that my babies never knew fear, they only felt love, they never knew hate and they never will 

I can't wait to meet them at heavens gate with arms wide open