wanted my son to be adopted

While I was pregnant and now a mom to my 9 month old son, all I can think about is that he should be adopted. We can't care for him like we should and we struggle financially. I can't go to college because I have to stay home and my boyfriend refuses to get a better job. We depend on my mother for helping us out a bit on the rent also every month. I want to go to college and work so badly. I love my son but I never thought keeping him was the best option. My BD threatened to take him and put me on child support, which I was okay with and I was more than willing to watch my son when he needed me to, but I never wanted to be a mother to him. I tried leaving and my BD just makes me come back, saying he can't take care of his son (I'm the only one who ever has him). I don't know what to do. I never wanted to be a mother in the first place and I do everything for my son but I feel like adoption is the better choice. I've always felt that way and I can't shake it. I try hard to change my feelings but of course I can't really do that. Whenever I get a break once a month or so for a few hours, I don't really look forward to coming back home. I love seeing my son but I feel like being a mother isn't for me. I've handled everything really well if I say so myself but at this point I just keep thinking about adoption. My BD is the only one who wants to keep him and it's making me miserable as both a person and a care giver to my son. Not really sure what to do right now. I feel like my son would be happier in another family and have all he needs there.