flash forward to this past thursday and i don't really know what happened but he got really sad and then asked for a break. he said he was scared of the commitment and felt he was missing out on a lot but that he still wanted to work on us. we would essentially be single but still emotionally invested. i said okay but of course i freaked out and cried all night. the next day he texts me saying that he didn't want a break and that he wanted to stay with me and figure things out. i think i guilted him into it but i didn't mean to. after that things were going fine. he was calling me sweet things and he promised he was still in love with me and told me he missed me. i fell asleep for 3 hours and woke up to him breaking up with me. he said he needed to work on himself and that he had been rethinking us. he said he fell out of love. i asked when it happened and he said within the last couple weeks and before last weekend. i asked if last weekend was real and he said he really wanted to believe that it felt real but that he realized he just didn't feel it anymore and that he didn't mean to lead me on. i asked why couldn't we just work and fix it and he said he didn't want to and that he just wanted to be single right now. he said it's emotional attraction that's lacking. and that we're just too dependent on each other and that 

we finally calmed down enough the next day to talk semi-calmly without either of us crying. we were both each other's best friend and neither of us wanted to lose that. he says he still wants to be best friends and that right now he would like to try us being together in the summer or when i get up to school (we're going to the same school next year). we decided that after that night, which was last night, that we wouldn't talk until he came home from midterms. we're gonna meet up during them and then slowly build communication from there.

i'm just so fucking confused because he was sending so many mixed signals. we agreed that we would just talk normally until we went to bed because it'd be our last talk till midterms. we had plans to go to a concert in november and i figured he wouldn't want to go with me so i offered to still buy his ticket and he said he'd still like to go with me. he says he'd still like to see the play i'm in and even asked if he could bring me a bouquet (he was crying when he asked). he says he's looking forward to midterms and he told me he's gonna miss me. he was complimenting me like he used to when we first started dating, he would try and tell and joke and asked if it made me smile or laugh and when i said yes he'd tell me that he's happy he can make me do that and that he likes making me do those thing. he said that the longest he can imaging us waiting would be till next school year, (though he didn't specify waiting to be friends or waiting to try dating again), he kept telling me we were gonna be okay. he even asked if we could talk instead of having no communication till midterms but we agreed that it's probably better that we be away for a bit, no matter how hard it is. he said he thinks he'd like to try again down the road. he kept telling sweet things but they were distanced. any time we talked on the phone he just cried and cried and said how bad he felt that he was doing this and that he'd always hated hurting me. at one point we were gonna talk on the phone like we used to and as soon as i started a normal sentence about my day he just started sobbing. i kept saying "last time texting" or "our last call" and he refused to call it that, said it won't be the last. i know he still cares for me and loves me as a friend. my mom thinks he's still in love with me he's just confused and doesn't know what he wants. she fell out of love with my dad before they divorced and said that it takes months, not a couple weeks. i told him that on the phone and i told him i was confused because the way he was talking to me suggested that he still felt something like that for me. he admitted that we might be right and that he just can't handle that feeling or a relationship right now. i asked if this felt right and he said yes.

it feels like i'm repeatedly getting punched in the chest and it's hard to breathe. i just want to feel okay again.