To the silent sufferer:

I never really post anything on this app, simply bc i prefer to just read and attempt to comment but i have been feeling that someone somewhere needs to hear my story and maybe it will help someone on their ttc journey or just in life in general. Just to start from the beginning i am currently 25 and my husband and i have been ttc for about 8 months on and off (he was active duty and some months just werent happening either from being tired or stressed or in the field). This has been a hard 8 months for me bc i feel that i not just want a child but border line need one. When i was younger my father molested me and my older sister for years until we finally got old enough to realize that maybe he wasnt being a good dad and my sister found my journal that i kept all of my poems in and she told me that it had been happening to her as well and we plotted to kill him that night while my mother was at work bc we didnt want my then newborn little sister to go through the same thing. Obviously we did not go through with it but that next morning when my mom got home we told her and she called the cops. They took him to jail but he threatened my mom and told her that he would kill us if she didnt drop the charges and of course she ended up doing as told. Growing up wasnt easy bc they covered the story in the newspaper which means that everyone knew and a lot of ppl were more disgusted with us than sympathizing for us. I felt like i needed love in my life and i could only find it through men that had no idea who i was. I started turning my life over to God and decided to make a change with my life so at the age of 21 i got up one morning and went and joined the army and left for basic 2 weeks later, my entire family was in shock bc i told noone until a few days b4 leaving😮 i needed to get away. I met my current husband while in the army and gained an amazing step son in the process. After 2 years of being together and one of those years he was deployed, we decided that it was time. The first time i became pregnant was july of 2014 the same month we got married i lost it the day i found out. The second time was oct of 2014 the month he was leaving for his year long deployment, he told me as he was gettinf on the bus to leave that i was pregnant and i smiled as i cried as i watched him leave. I lost it at the hospital at 6 weeks on nov 4th. The third time i got pregnant was oct of 2015 the same month he came back from deployment and lost it at 5 weeks from eating rare steak (i was not aware of the pregnancy). I havent been pregnant since then. Ive taken it upon myself not to stress by buying the tracking items but to let it happen on its own, but on the inside i die a little every month, my faith gets questioned every negative test, and it makes it harder and harder to look in the mirror knowing that i cant do the one thing that god designed my body for!! But noone knows bc on the outside i smile and tell everyone who constantly asks y we havent had any kids yet, that we r enjoying being free. Don't get me wrong i possibly have the best husband in the world hes supportive understanding and knows when to just let me have my moment and he will always intervene when someone begins asking why why why😖!! The other day i finally decided im going to do it this month, i will track bbt ovulation cervical mucus progesterone use preseed take robutussin i will continue to pray, everything i will do everything this month and we will succeed bc God sd that prayer/faith without work is dead so i shall do my part🤓!! My husband sd okay and we went to walmart that night to get everything...they were out of everything except for ovulation test, they didnt even have robutussin.....I LOST IT😕...i broke down right then and there and my husband just grabbed me and let me have my moment😭. Once we got in the car he asked me if i wanted to talk about it and i proceeded to tell him how i feel like a failure and i want to prove to myself that i can b a better parent then my father was, i just want to know what its like to have a happy family😔!! At that point he asked me did i feel like he was as serious as i was about this and i told him no bc i usually feel alone with ttc and he broke down😢...he told me how he just has to b strong for me and that he knows we will b fine as long as we r together and don't worry about any bad but accept the good as it comes. Ive never been one to seek sympathy nor have i ever cared to shae my feelings that i have buried deep inside but my God continued to insist that I tell this community my story bc it may help someone and I'm okay with that. I'm here to let u know that you're not the only one going through life, it's hard and can make u feel like u just can't win but this is your time to smile and know that it gets better!!😎

I'm claiming this month in the name of Jesus😇 and October will b the month that we find out about our rainbow baby!! 🤗