My abusive mother has cancer and I haven't much a thought about it.

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After I went into foster care she fought for my sister and when I said I didn't want to live with her (I had a year left before going to college when she "got her shit together", plus I didn't want to live with her anyway). She didn't fight for me. She never apologized or recognized any of the damage she did to me, and in fact told me on several occasions that I was the one who abused her. When the only time I so much as touched her was not when she beat me, but was when she tried to attack my little sister. Then I would defend her, and do everything in my power to stop my mom as I was larger, stronger, and better at fighting than she was.

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To this day she guilts me and goes on and on "oh you know I think of you every day and I love you so much and have always loved you"

But she never shows it. It's been 5 years and she's only acknowledged my birthday or the holidays once. I felt obligated have her at my wedding and the first thing she did was talk about how she better get a special dress/recognition because she's my mother.

She's never pulled through for me when I needed it (other than 1 time), and constantly acts like I should always bow at her feet and thank her because she got us away from my dad when he had a psychotic breakdown and was holding us hostage.

She refused to take me to the doctor when I was feeling ill. It took months. Finally I went and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune disorder. Then she would refuse to allow me to stay home when I was ill, tell me I was faking my illness. And on the days where I missed the bus and was too ill to walk the 5 miles to school she would have me clean the whole house, hitting me if I sat down for a moment. When I took some stuff into my own hands in HS and got my bottom locker switched to a top she made a huge spectacle to get me an elevator key because I'm "just too much of a cripple".

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I've just found my life is better when I don't include her in it. She refuses to acknowledge the abuse and wants to be best friends and doesn't understand why I don't want to be BFFs, telling me I have a big imagination and am a liar for "making up" these abuse stories.

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But now she's been diagnosed with Lymphoma, and is in the "watchful wait" state because it's slow growing. While I don't want to miss out on a possible reconciliation, I don't feel like this cancer changes my mind much about not wanting her in my life. Does that make me a terrible person? She's been nothing but toxic and a drag onto my recovery and growth of self-worth. It's not even a pride thing of not wanting to reach out first. She's shown time and time again that she really doesn't care or have any remorse for everything she's done to damage me in the past, and every time I communicate with her (because I'm human. I thirst and want a "normal" mother relationship) all it ever does is leave me feeling terrible about myself.

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Am I right to still keep her out of my life? I feel if she sincerely came to me and recognized what she did in the past, we could move on to develop a relationship, but as of now all of the work AND pain is on my side and I honestly don't feel it's worth it. She's never been a mother to me, why should I try to make her be.