Alright. So I seriously need some help and if there's a doc on here willing to give advice or how to go about this, that would be very greatly appreciated. 17, senior year

So I'm pretty certain my mind has melted. I've been diagnosed with depression, and have been suggested to have PTSD after my mother left over seas, anxiety, schizophrenia, anorexia.. I'm a mess. So.. The thing is, I don't know what's real anymore. I am honestly having troubles deciphering between what's real and what's not. Lately, I seem to be blacking out or something? Because my human can remember things that happened, but I don't. I have no recollection what's so ever. .. I had an abortion a couple months ago, (whether you agree with it or not is irrelevant, it was an option I had and I exorcised that option) and idk what else is relevant.

If it relates at all, about 2 years ago noe I received a concussion, (that the ER doctor said wasn't there). What tipped me off into knowing I had one was that I had math both semesters and I couldn't do the same math that I could do semester one in semester two. My family doc determined I had one, I was given an MRI or CAT scan, I forget which, but they said everything was fine. Now I'm not so sure.

I'm terrified of the dark, I have seen shadows as if they're demons. The other day I became afraid to be alone with my boyfriend, (I've been abused and assaulted by men before), I used to have nightmares of people dying and created a demon in my head I named Dex, (voices, kind of like a conscience, just not very happy) um.. Ex cutter. I don't drink or abuse my pills, never done drugs and don't plan to.

I'm back on anti depressants which I avoided for a while because I didn't want to become like this. Seeing clearly and fearing what I see. A couple weeks ago I snapped and my doctor said I had a serious panic attack (hyperventilating, smacking my head against the car window, losing feeling in my arms, nauseous, shaking).

I think some things wrong. I reluctantly begrudgingly need a therapist and I've had a few, but I sincerely hated it. So... How can I go about seeing one? I live in a small town btw and no, I'm not american.

Somehow my boyfriend wants to stay. How he puts up with my stupid insecure irrational ass I don't know. Help me?