I feel like I'll never be ready to try for another baby. I keep having this dream of me and hubby about to try again for the first time and then I just start crying and that's when I wake up.

I just wish I could close my eyes and not see the image on the ultrasound tv in that doctors office.

How could I have not know for 2 entire weeks that my baby was dead inside me? So awful to think about.

I wish I had some sort of closure. It was too early to know the gender, so I couldn't even name the baby.

My first born was via c-section.. I never went into labor. She was perfectly healthy. Still is at the super fun age of 3.

Its not fair that the only way I'll ever experience natural child birth is through my miscarriage.

What if we do get pregnant again? What if I miscarry.. Again? I can't go through this more than once. I'm not even sure how I'm going through it now.

My daughter is the only reason I'm even functioning. Being a stay at home mom is really hard when all you want to do is lay in bed and cry all day. She knows somethings wrong but she doesn't know anything really. She's too young to try to explain This all to. So all she knows is mommy is sad and went to the doctors to get her heart fixed.

She wanted to wear her big sister shirt the other day.. Threw a tantrum because I wouldn't let her. She got really confused when I just started crying my eyes out. She hugged me and picked up a different shirt and put it on. Well, I packed that shirt away for now..

Hubby and I are trying to figure out a way to memorialize the baby. I've been looking online and all that's done is make me cry even more. Such sweet things, all great ideas, but I feel like nothing will ever be good enough.

This is so fucking hard. I don't wish this upon anyone.

So many people who willingly.. I'm not even going to go there.. You know what I'm thinking.

God has plans, They tell me. But what about MY plans? I had plans too....

Endless tears for an endless heartbreak. I'm just so sad.