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I miss my old self. Trigger warning

*Trigger Warning*

During my early and mid teen years I struggled a lot. I was addicted to a couple OTC meds, self harmed, and would frequently binge then starve myself. I was a very sick child, but eventually I got better.

Now, it's been several years, I'm married, have two dogs, and finished school. Things are going pretty well. We don't have children yet, but plan to in the future.

Lately family has been stressful and money a bit tight, and I'm not reacting well to the stress.

I desperately want to go back to my dangerous ways. I assume it's all a control thing, but I'm really struggling. If I mention any of this to my husband, he freaks out and starts yelling and threatening divorce. I think he's just afraid and doesn't understand or know how to react.

My extended family has been going through health problems and my little sister had a miscarriage at 16. Just a lot of stuff no one can change.

I know logically, going back to how I used to be could ruin my life, our future children and my job. But the pull is so strong lately. I'm craving relief.

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