This is my story. Well, not my whole story. Not my life story. But a little snippet of a part of my teenage life that I wanted to share with y'all. I hope that some of you wonderful women on <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> here take the time to read this, because I was through tears when I wrote this. Sorry, it's kinda long...

My ex boyfriend. His name was Mason. He was tall and strong and had the clearest blue eyes. I loved him. I really did. He was the first person I really loved, although definitely not the first person I hooked up with. I hadn't ever known what love felt like, even though I had had boyfriends and had fucked so many guys. Little dicks, big dicks. Tall guys, short guys. The list went on. But he did something that I couldn't forgive him for. He was an amazing person. I was going through the hardest time of my life. I lost my father when I was only ten years old. My mother and I were not speaking for various reasons at the time. I was staying at his house on week nights often, and I could be with him to keep my mind off other things going on in my life. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and cry and cry, and he'd hold me to his chest and stroke my hair and tell me everything was going to be alright. The times that I could be myself was when I was alone with my boyfriend. And I don't want to sound like I was desperate or a slut or an emotionally unstable person, but when I had sex with him and could talk to him and kiss him and hug him, I felt like everything was going to be alright. He made me feel like I was ok, that I wasn't going through those huge issues with my mother. It made me feel like I was worth it in this world. I will never ever forget how he made me feel. I will never forget the day that I found out that he had CHEATED on me at a party, a whole MONTH after it had happened. I will never forget the day that I walked up to him and said, "you fucked Brooke, didn't you, at that party when she was drunk?". I said it through tears. I didn't want to believe it. It was legally considered rape. I will never forget the expression on his face. I will never forget how he tried to apologize, how he tried to love me again, how he tried to KISS me after I found out, and I wanted to love him again SO BADLY. I couldn't. I couldn't love someone who had cheated on me at a party on a woman who didn't give consent, even if her body language said something different. Let me tell you guys...if she doesn't say YES loud and clear, it's rape. Even if she's drunk. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to be all alone in the world without him to be there for me. I simply couldn't go home, there were too many memories there of my father, and I just couldn't make myself speak to my mother. I was selfish. And what drove me absolutely completely crazy was that I wasn't able to accept that he had done something to make me not want him anymore. I was a crazy seventeen year old. I miss him. I do. I really miss the way he made me feel. I am not saying that I love him still, that's not what I'm saying. I have a boyfriend now. And my boyfriend now is someone who is even better than he was. Is it wrong that I still will always remember my ex??? I will always, no matter what, remember how he made me feel, and what I was going through and how he helped me. And I know that at some points in time, I will stare at the blank wall besides my mirror and think about how we went through so much together, and he really understood what I was going through with my mother, and what it felt like to lose a parent. It was just so relatable, you know? And sometimes, I'll stare into my boyfriend's eyes, and think about how he never ever got to go through that, and he can't relate to how I feel when I wake up in the middle of the night and cry, even if he too, strokes my hair and tells me it'll be alright. When I told my friends, they all said, 'oh it was a mistake, you guys should still be together,' or 'guys make mistakes' and 'how could you break up with him, you guys were perfect!'. But I just couldn't. And it's almost four years later, and I'm still lost. I'm still questioning myself. I tell myself everyday, I do not still love him. I have a boyfriend. I have a new life. And please don't go commenting, "sounds like you still have feelings for him.". Because I posted this to share a part of me, to show that I've moved on and that I have another life now. Thanks y'all for reading. ~Chloe Rose