SOs mind

I'd love to know what goes on in an abusers mind cause right now I feel like I'm losing it ! Trying to come to terms to what's happened. How I got lied to and fell for him and his fake persona which then changed the moment we got married, yes he did show a couple of worrying signs before but nothing more than an argument or two came from it.

Now I'm here 29+4 pregnant with our son crying my eyes out for hours wondering if its something I've been deserving of, if I've done anything to ask for such punishment but I haven't. I've been nothing but nice and confident and loyal, loving and caring and that is how he repaid me. He turns round and says I pushed him to it, I didn't.... I relive the horrible times he was mean to me or hurtful and not once do I think I deserved it or asked for it in any way.

Should I seek therapy help ?