no father in his life or a "no-good" father in his life?

Question

What's best better for the child in the long short run - to have no father in his life or to have a "no-good" father in his life?

since I told my son's father I was pregnant he wanted me to get an abortion or else he has nothing to say to me. It hurt because it's like I didn't make this baby on my own I shouldn't have to raise the baby on my own. And he had no reason at all to not want to be involved. Long story short. I'm about to be 7months pregnant and he still hasn't been to not ONE doctors appointment. I'm emotionally tired. He doesn't text or call me to see how me and his son is doing and it pisses me off. I asked him is he even cares about his son and he said " he's not even here yet, like what's good with you"? Why does he have to be here for you to care? Like I don't understand. It pisses me off when he doesn't make an effort. I'm tired of crying about this but every day that goes by I'm getting closer and closer to meeting my son and I just want to protect him even.if it means protecting him from his father. Everyone is saying how he'll change when the baby gets here but I don't believe it. He has done nothing my whole pregnancy and now he's saying he's not gonna be at the baby shower because he's going to Cali. I know baby showers might not be a big deal for guys to be there but it is to me because this is my first baby and I just want him to be involved with everything. But if he doesn't care why should I ? I'm just thinking about my son when he does shit.. I want my son to know who his father is, I want his father to be apart of his life. But if he's inconsistent now nothing is going to change when he gets here. Little does he know I can be the worst baby mother and keep our son from him but I don't want to do that. But its like at the same time why do I have to beg you to be in your son's life you should just automatically want to do it. It's like he doesn't even care that he's about to be a father. He doesn't want his friends knowing or nothing. I'm at a point where if he doesn't show up to the hospital he can kiss all his rights good bye. I just don't know about this guy anymore. I guess it's true when they say " you don't know these guys until they become your baby father". So what do I do allow him to be inconsistent in his sons life. Or just keep him away period ?

Answer

I have a father who is a drug addict. When he is clean, he is a great father. So loving and caring and so funny. He's also a chef so we all love to make and eat food together as a family. But when he uses you can imagine what kind of dad he is ... the thing is though, my mom has never made decisions or opinions for me on how I should feel about my dad. Clearly when he would be using, she kept us away. But when he decided to get help and stay clean and proved to my mom that he was doing OK  (having a good job and apartment) she would ask us if we would like to see him. That gave us the choice instead of my mom telling us "your dad is a fucking idiot who can't be trusted" . My opinions of my father are exactly that.. mine! No one forced me to think a certain way about him, no one put ideals into a little girls brain. It helps me through the process. I can trust my mom because she has always let me decide what kind of relationship I want with my father and she supported either decision

Answer

I always say give him the opportunities to see him. Let your son see that you tried. And if he still chooses not to be a part of his life then you will never be the blame.

Answer

It sounds like you're confusing being there for you with being there for your son.  Your feelings and hurt are completely understandable, but his actions now don't mean he won't be a good and loving father.  Give him the opportunity to be a good dad.  If he doesn't step up to the plate after your son arrives, then you can look at more drastic options.  And most importantly, don't let his lack of participation dim the joy you're experiencing as you await your child.

Answer

If he chooses to be present, let him. If he chooses to not be present let him.  This is not in your hands. My daughters dad chose to participate as he wanted and I never stopped him. We lived in different states so it wasn't convenient for him but he did try to see her once a year from the time she was 3-5. She's now 12 and has seen her dad only a handful of times, he does call/text her now and again tbough.  I've learned that the best thing you can do, is love your child and always support that relationship, regardless of how strong or poor it is. Don't ever use your child as a pawn, kids are smart and they will see if that relationship is genuine.

Answer

I wouldn't allow him to be an inconsistent dad. He would get one chance and that's it. I think people get so caught up on thinking any kind of parent is better then no parent but IMO it causes confusion, low self esteem, rejection and abandonment issues in children.

Answer

Your son deserves the best. But you wouldnt want your son to resent you for keeping his father away. I would give him the chance to get involved while hes a baby as he wont remember. Once hes 1 if the dad still refuses to be in his life i would completely cut him off. If later on he wants visitation he would have to fo through court.

Answer

See how he acts in the early days after your son is here. At that point your son will be too young to understand what's going on and it will give you an opportunity to see if the dad is serious about parenting or not. You'll want to figure this out while your son is still small enough. Once he's old enough to talk and ask where's daddy, if daddy isn't being a real daddy then it's time to think about getting full custody so you can protect your child's feelings and emotional development.

no father in his life or a "no-good" father in his life?

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