My Relationship with Sex, Moral OCD, and Abstinence

This is the story of how I feel about abstinence but also why I struggle with sex. I hate Glow because I see too many things that I didn't need to know about sex, but I love Glow for all it has taught me about sex too.

I could say that I chose abstinence but there's days when it feels like abstinence chose me. I grew up in a Christian family so I was taught about waiting for marriage to have sex. I also grew up during the end of the "purity movement" so I was exposed to a lot of talks about true love waits. I have a high sex drive so I attended all the talks hoping someone, anyone, would satisfy my curiosity and tell me what sex was like. Of course, I didn't really know what it was that I was interested in knowing 🤔 Unfortunately I became very legalistic about sex. I think I have a genetic predisposition to anxiety and OCD, specifically something called scrupulosity or Moral OCD so I obsess about being righteous in the area of sexual activity and ended up making myself feel overwhelmingly guilty about normal things. So much so that I went for seven years straight without any masturbation. I wanted a husband though. I have been wanting to be a wife to someone since I was six years old. I never had anyone romantically interested in me until I was 24. He and I have been together for 14 months now and would love to be intimate with each other but we stay abstinent. I don't think either of us have the right motives for staying virgins 🤔 He won't sleep with me because he hates to see me cry and feel guilty, which is bound to happen if we have sex. And I really want to have sex but the other half of me screams not to because I want to save it for my honeymoon and I don't want to dishonour my God. I hope you won't think badly of Christianity for my confession.... it's not the fault of the church that I am like this... it's a combination of factors. God knows how I feel about sex and He still loves me. His love isn't dependent upon what I do or don't do. Thanks for listening to me vent.