I'm nearly four weeks postpartum after giving birth via c-section to a healthy boy. The first couple of days back home from the awesome hospital I gave birth at were understandably extremely hard. From the four hour crying spell my boy had on the first night, having to wake up every two to three hours to feed him, to the achingly horrible sleep deprivation that all new parents go through, I feel like I lost myself in parenthood. I know and really do believe things will get better over time, but I'm still having a really hard time adjusting to this new lifestyle. Of course I knew what I was signing up for when my husband and I got pregnant, but seriously, nobody ever tells you how hard it is. How IMPOSSIBLY hard it is. 

Pumping didn't work out for me as my supply never increased despite taking mother's milk supplements, mother's milk tea, and speaking with my husband's aunt who is a certified LC, so that took quite a toll on me emotionally as I felt like a failure. I'm over this now but it all snowballed from there. 

Most days so far have been great. My son has been sleeping and feeding at the times we've tried to set up for him. Yet, there are days where I am really sad. There was a point where I was depressed for a good twelve hours and had thoughts of suicide and hoping that my newborn wouldn't wake up... ever. Note that I will never ever act upon these intrusive thoughts but it's so tiring to constantly go through ups and downs when I feel like this should be one of the happiest times in my life. 

I've been speaking with my OBGYN about how I have been feeling and she gave me the comforting reassurance that everything I've been feeling is normal; that it's not my fault that I've been experiencing this. That my hormones are the ones to blame and that they should stabilize at hopefully the six week mark. She said she'll monitor me until then and take the necessary actions should things escalate from there, but the day that I feel normal again can't seem to come fast enough. 

I've been looking into support groups and look forward to my first session with them. My husband has been insanely supportive and has been trying to get me out of my slumps, but at this rate, my depressive moods come and go every couple of days and I feel guilty for putting him through this as I know it has been hard on him, too. 

Hopefully things will get better soon and that the days where I feel a sense of normalcy will come even sooner.

Your stories are much appreciated!

Thanks for reading. :)